Friday, August 19, 2005

Extremely quick update

No, I have not fallen off the face of the earth. Not yet anyhow. My grandmother had a fairly severe heart attack. She is now stabilized, but the problem is that her brain went without blood for a bit, and now she is fairly nutty. It is pretty sad to see. Sometimes she knows who I am, sometimes she thinks I am someone else she knows, and sometimes she has no clue who I am. So I have been driving up to Phoenix almost every night after work to check on her, and to give my mom a sanity break. By the time I get home, I am beat, and don't feel like posting.

Monday, August 08, 2005

The new "hobbit" policy

Yet another new policy has been implemented at work. From now on, if anyone has not shown up by 10:00, they will be asked to just go home, and be forced to use a vacation day. I can't wait to see how this plays out, for two reasons. One, the hobbit WILL show up after 10:00 at some point this week. Two, my boss, who made this decision, is a big pussy, and I can't see him actually telling the hobbit to beat feet. We have a little bet going at work on what will actually happen. My bet is that the hobbit will be late sometime this week, and will get off with just a warning. I have $10 on each part of that, so I'm pretty sure I will make $20 before the week is over.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Can you hear me now? Hell no!

My cell phone sucks. There is no way to sugar coat this, it flat out sucks. I can't use it in my house, and I can't use it in my office. So about 95% of the time, I have problems. Otherwise, it is pretty good. It has become a running joke with my friends and family at this point. At work, everyone laughs when I am racing to the door to get outside before my call drops.

The reason I bring this up is because I spent a good portion of yesterday on my cell phone. Because it is such a piece of shit, that means I spent a good portion of yesterday outside. This is a problem, because it is about a million degrees out there, with high humidity, and I got sunburned to shit, along with smelling like a pig farm when I was done because of all the sweat. Then, for good measure, I split my pants. This may have been karmic retribution, but that is another story for another time.

I come back into the office, drenched, red, and leaving no doubt as to the color of my boxers. I was immediately met by the hobbit, and another coworker. Let's tune in on the conversation...

Hobbit: Jeez, did you go for a jog or something?
Umbrella: It is a fucking sauna out there.
Hobbit: What were you doing out there?
Umbrella (still holding phone in hand, and showing it to him): My phone sucks.
Co-worker: Two words for you, conference room.
Umbrella: I've got two words for you, my phone sucks ass, and I need to get a new one.
Hobbit: That isn't two words.
Umbrella and Co-worker: Shut the fuck up, Bilbo.

(For maximum effect, make sure you read that last line like John Goodman's character in "The Big Lewbowski".)

I would normally use the conference room phone, but the hobbit has even ruined that. We work in a cubicle farm, so there isn't any phone privacy. So whenever the hobbit is talking to his wife, which is about 40 times a day, he goes in there. Unfortunately, they are one of those couples that cannot have a conversation for more than 30 seconds without getting into a fight. So now the whole office has to listen to him screaming at her over some bullshit. Not good times.

Now I am going to be a redneck, literally, for a couple of days. Good thing I have a semi-dark complexion anyhow. If I were one of those pasty white guys, life would not be too good right now.