Monday, June 29, 2009

Celebrity death match

No, the Feds didn't get me. Life gets complicated, and then I don't blog. Simple as that.

But of course, while I was in hiatus, famous people started dieing left and right. First, we had Ed McMahon. Most people remember him as Johnny's sidekick, but I remember him as a man ahead of his time. Remember Star Search? That's America's Got Talent, but 20 years earlier. Dude was a visionary, and nowhere near as annoying as David Hasselhoff.

Then Farrah. Yeah, I knew she was really sick, but she was my first pinup, so I was bummed out. You know the poster. I won it at the state fair by popping balloons. I think I was 10. My mom wasn't too thrilled, but I was. Several years later, I was working graveyard shifts at a 7-11. I was working there when she appeared in Playboy. That's when I discovered the truth behind the most famous part of the poster.

And then Michael Jackson. I was in high school when he became really big. Let's face it, he made MTV what it is today. Well, aside from the fact that they don't show music videos anymore. I wasn't the biggest fan, but I respect his talent, at least before he went completely insane. So I'm not really that emotionally involved with his death like a lot of people are.

At least I wasn't, until I heard his dad talk. For those that don't know, Joe Jackson is a piece of shit who did God knows what to his kids. It's no coincidence that every one of those kids is fucked up. So what does he do when addressing the public after Michael's death? He pimps out his new business ventures. I don't know why this pissed me off so bad, but it did. I just can't imagine losing one of your kids, and taking the opportunity to promote yourself. I just don't see how someone could put their own financial gain over the well being of their kids.

It's like the whole John and Kate fiasco, but at least those kids aren't dead yet. Although with Kate parading those kids around at every opportunity, I'm predicting that one of the girls will end up in porn. You heard it here first. It will be called John and Kate Plus Eight Dicks in Her Mouth, or something clever like that. End the fucking show, and take care of your kids. I've been through a divorce, and had young kids when it happened. It's a messed up situation, and I don't need a camera in my face while it's happening. Those kids don't either.

Sheez, with all the celebrity talk, this is turning into a gossip blog. I think I'm about two posts away from drawing dicks on celebrity pictures in Paint.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The Feds will be coming any day now

I've talked in the past about my superhuman powers to affect things outside my influence. Usually it only affects me, or it affects sports. No big deal, right? However, for the first time, my powers have hurt someone else. I think I killed David Carradine.

I was driving with my daughters the other day, and there was some old lady walking along the side of the road. Well actually, she was more IN the road than on the side of it. I told my daughter in the passenger seat to get the door ready, and take her out. When she didn't, I told her, "Man, that was a lot of points you just gave up." She looked at me like I was an idiot. I said, "C'mon, Death Race 2000". She still didn't know what I was talking about.

I have a little pride in the fact that I am doing a good job of raising my daughters. However, the fact that neither of them knew about Death Race 2000, perhaps the greatest B movie ever made, showed me I was an utter failure as a father. [Note: while getting the IMDB link for Death Race 2000, it claims that the movie's popularity is up 264% this week. Why must we have tragedy to appreciate things we already have?] I started explaining to them the concept of the movie. Since they are smart, they realized that this movie sounded awesome. My youngest daughter told me that it was probably on YouTube. Yeah right. There is no way that A) an entire movie would be on YouTube, and B) even if it was, someone wouldn't have taken it down, claiming copyright laws or some such bullshit.

We got home, and I was going to try and find some clips of the movie to show them. However, the youngest was right! The ENTIRE movie, cut in bits, was on YouTube. I was amazed. [Another note: the movie has since been removed. Fucking lawyers.] We ended up watching the movie, and they thought it was awesome, in spite of the very dated 70's attire. They also thought it was pretty funny that this movie was supposed to take place in 2000.

This happened on June 2. David Carradine died the next day. I haven't even thought about this movie in years. Coincidence? I think not. So I give my sincerest apology to the Carradine family and all of his fans. Just because I have these powers, doesn't mean I know how to harness them properly.

And if any lawyers are out there (just kidding about the "fucking lawyers" bit, heh), when the Feds come to take me away, do you think I can plea down to manslaughter? It was completely unintentional.