I'm sure all 6 of my loyal readers have been noticing the severe lack of posts lately. I somewhat addressed it in my last post, but I guess I should come clean. I have been diagnosed with cancer.
I have debated back and forth whether I should mention it on my blog. Hell, I debated whether or not to keep it from my friends and family. However, the chemotherapy is kinda kicking my ass, so I figured I better tell people since they would notice I wasn't myself. Plus, if someone I cared about kept it secret from me, I'd be pretty pissed off about it.
However, on a blog, you can't see me or my actions, so I could have kept it a secret. What I don't want is for this to become a mopey, woe-is-me type of thing. Life can be shitty enough without another depressing blog out there. Plus, my chances for a full recovery are good, so this isn't going to get all morbid or anything like that.
So why come clean? Well, if you haven't noticed by now, a lot of my posts are me ranting about things that piss me off. And this definitely pisses me off. So I may decide to rant about it in the future. I really want to keep a sense of humor about all of this, so I may look at this from a different angle.
Plus, I am being forced to face issues that most of us don't like to think about. I'm sure this is leading to some of my reminiscing posts. Those posts are kind of fun to do anyways, so chances are good that I'll keep doing those.
And finally, my energy is absolutely shit these days. By the time I get home from work, I just want to sleep. This means I don't feel like posting, for all of you mensas out there.
So there it is. Don't feel sorry for me, because that will just piss me off. I like challenges, so this is how I'm approaching things. And because I'm me, we started a pool at work for what date I will shave my head when I start losing my hair. I don't know the dates anyone picked, and the only way we decided I could be eligible for the pool was for me to pick that I won't lose my hair at all. Nothing like gambling on your own body.
OK, enough of that crap. Your regularly scheduled immature posts will return shortly.
Showing posts with label gambling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gambling. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Drunken bracket, the epilogue (AKA how to turn a negative into a postive, degenerate gambler style)
I had to work a bit late last night, so by the time I got to see the game, it was already into blowout mode. Fitting. Since Michigan St. didn't win, my drunken bracket finished 8th. My sober bracket finished 10th. Middle of the pack for both. My conclusion, it doesn't make any difference if I'm drunk or sober, I'm still mediocre when picking brackets.
However, I'm not mediocre when it comes to gambling. I had two entries in our pool, at $5 a pop. There were 20 people, and it was winner take all. So if Michigan St. won, my $10 would have turned into $200. Not bad.
But deep down, I just didn't see Michigan St. winning that game. So I hedged my bets, to make sure no matter what, I was going to win a little bit of cash. And this is how I introduce my new class, Sports Gambling 101.
There were only two possibilities for this game. Either North Carolina would win, or Michigan St. would win. As I mentioned above, if Michigan St. wins, I win $200. But if North Carolina wins, I lose $10.
So I covered my bets by making a bet on North Carolina. If you ever go into a sports book in Vegas, you will see all sorts of funny symbols. It can be confusing. But that is why you are here, to learn how to read these things. In basketball and football, you will see something that looks like this...
Michigan St North Carolina
+7(-110) -7(-110) 153
The first number is the point spread. This means that the folks in Vegas expect North Carolina to win by 7 points. If you take Michigan St., you get to add 7 points to their score, and if you take North Carolina, you subtract 7 points from your score. This bet pays even money, which means if you bet $20 and win, you win $20. This is probably the most popular of the bets. But betting North Carolina on this bet wasn't the smartest move for my situation. If North Carolina wins by 3 points, I lose my bet, as well as losing my pool. Bad move.
The next number is for a straight up win. -110 means that I have to bet $110 to win $100. Now we're talking. If this were legal (ahem), I would have called my bookie and bet $110 on North Carolina to win. Let's see the possible scenarios:
Michigan St. wins - I win $200 in my pool, I lose $110 on my bet, for a net profit of $90.
North Carolina wins - I lose $10 in my pool, I win $100 on my bet, for a net profit of $90.
The last number is the over/under. This is the combined total points in the game. For the game last night, the final score was 89-72, for a total of 161 point. Since 161 is over 153, the over bet wins.
So by making that alleged bet, I win $90 no matter what happens in the game. Yeah, it isn't big money, but in case you haven't heard, the economy sucks right now, and I'll take what I can get.
However, I'm not mediocre when it comes to gambling. I had two entries in our pool, at $5 a pop. There were 20 people, and it was winner take all. So if Michigan St. won, my $10 would have turned into $200. Not bad.
But deep down, I just didn't see Michigan St. winning that game. So I hedged my bets, to make sure no matter what, I was going to win a little bit of cash. And this is how I introduce my new class, Sports Gambling 101.
There were only two possibilities for this game. Either North Carolina would win, or Michigan St. would win. As I mentioned above, if Michigan St. wins, I win $200. But if North Carolina wins, I lose $10.
So I covered my bets by making a bet on North Carolina. If you ever go into a sports book in Vegas, you will see all sorts of funny symbols. It can be confusing. But that is why you are here, to learn how to read these things. In basketball and football, you will see something that looks like this...
Michigan St North Carolina
+7(-110) -7(-110) 153
The first number is the point spread. This means that the folks in Vegas expect North Carolina to win by 7 points. If you take Michigan St., you get to add 7 points to their score, and if you take North Carolina, you subtract 7 points from your score. This bet pays even money, which means if you bet $20 and win, you win $20. This is probably the most popular of the bets. But betting North Carolina on this bet wasn't the smartest move for my situation. If North Carolina wins by 3 points, I lose my bet, as well as losing my pool. Bad move.
The next number is for a straight up win. -110 means that I have to bet $110 to win $100. Now we're talking. If this were legal (ahem), I would have called my bookie and bet $110 on North Carolina to win. Let's see the possible scenarios:
Michigan St. wins - I win $200 in my pool, I lose $110 on my bet, for a net profit of $90.
North Carolina wins - I lose $10 in my pool, I win $100 on my bet, for a net profit of $90.
The last number is the over/under. This is the combined total points in the game. For the game last night, the final score was 89-72, for a total of 161 point. Since 161 is over 153, the over bet wins.
So by making that alleged bet, I win $90 no matter what happens in the game. Yeah, it isn't big money, but in case you haven't heard, the economy sucks right now, and I'll take what I can get.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Umbrella's guide to March Madness
When I was in college, I took school extremely seriously. Probably because I was married and had a kid, so I couldn't screw off as much as I would have liked to. I only intentionally skipped class a total of eight times in four years. They were the Thursday/Friday of the first weekend of the NCAA tournament each of the four years.
I love March Madness. I'm a sports junkie, and it is my favorite sporting event, bar none. Even the Super Bowl takes a back seat to this.
Every year at this time, you will see a bunch of articles floating around the interwebs to tell you how to win your NCAA pool. This will have some of that, but this is a guide to help beginners and experts alike. This guide is not necessarily aimed at how to win your pool, but how to get the most enjoyment out of it.
ALL PLAYERS
1. Join a pool. This is brought to you by the editors of DUH magazine. If you work anywhere with more than 5 employees, chances are good that someone will start a pool. It doesn't matter if you don't know crap about basketball. You can still have fun.
2. Know your reasons for playing. "Jeez Umbrella, this is stupid. I'm playing to win!" Maybe so, but if that is your reason, prepare to be disappointed. If you are playing in a pool with 20 people, do the math. Winning is nice, but if that is why you are doing it, you will not have fun. Good reasons are A) Talking shit to your coworkers/friends/family. B) Being able to have discussions with the cute girl you would never normally talk to. "Hey, nice pick with Central Michigan there. What made you pick them?" C) Having a long four hour lunch on Thursday with your boss at the bar. I've pulled this off. Bonus points for having him pick up the tab. I haven't pulled this off (yet).
3. Come up with a system. It doesn't matter what the system is. It doesn't even have to be logical. I've seen all kinds of crazy systems win. One time, a lady picked teams based on which one of their mascots would win in a fight. I saw an engineer who knew nothing about basketball come up with some elaborate mathematical formula based on the seeds. If it works, you'll feel like a genius. If not, then you are lumped in with everyone else who didn't win.
4. Pick some upsets. There is always that one person who picks nothing but the higher seeds. That person is a douchebag. Yeah, they'll usually finish near the top, but they never win. Besides, nobody will remember that you finished third from last when your picks don't work out. But everyone will remember that you were the ONLY person to pick Siena. Especially when you remind them constantly.
5. Don't be afraid to pick a team for a stupid reason. Maybe you have an ex that went to Kentucky, and you want them to lose every game. That's a good enough reason to pick against them. Maybe you like Michigan's uniforms. Go ahead, pick them. Maybe you think Jim Boeheim looks like an alien. Pick against Syracuse in an upset.
6. Make sure there is money involved. If you've got a few bucks riding on the games, they will become a lot more interesting. However, watch out for the pools where some jackass is just trying to rip you off. I can't see any reason to have more than a $20 entry fee, and even that is pretty high. Usually $5 is a good number. It will get the casual fans to play, and yet there will still be a nice payout for the winner.
7. Talk shit if you are doing well. This goes back to rule #2. Chances are, your good luck will end soon, so make sure you rub it in while you are winning. However, don't be a pussy if people talk shit to you when you struggle after that. You've got to take the bad with the good. On a related note...
8. Give props. Make sure you give someone a thumbs up if they pick an upset correctly. That way, you won't get everyone to hate you during your shit talking. Remember, constant shit talking = asshole. Shit talking mixed in with appropriate compliments = passion.
BEGINNER ADVICE
This section is for those of you who don't know anything about basketball, or how the tournament works. This advice is to keep people from laughing at you like an idiot.
9. Pick the #1 seeds to win the first game. The #1 seed has never lost to a #16 seed. Granted, it will probably happen someday, and if you pick it correctly, you will be a legend. More likely is you will be wrong, and everyone will mock that pick.
10. Pick a #12 seed to win. Every year, a #12 seed beats a #5 seed. You have at least a 1 in 4 chance of picking the right #12 seed. See rule #4.
ADVANCED ADVICE
11. Know who you are playing with. I live in Tucson, so everyone around me is an Arizona Wildcat fan, and Pac-10 fans to a lesser extent. That means they will pick these teams to advance too far. Even in a down year, I guarantee there will be multiple people picking UCLA to go to the final four. I will use this knowledge against them.
12. When looking for upsets, find little teams that can shoot 3-pointers. When the upsets happen, it is almost always because some team gets hot shooting the 3. Those are the candidates to keep an eye on. Especially if the team they are playing is a zone defensive team.
13. Ignore the "experts". I hear the same expert advice every year. Pick teams with senior guards. Pick teams who are hot coming into the tournament. Pick teams from power conferences. This is all bullshit. I overanalyze my picks to death, so I know these are complete non-factors. Your first hint that these guys are full of shit is after the first round of the tournament when they are all moaning that their brackets are in shambles. It's because they can't pick any better than the secretary who made her picks based on uniform color schemes.
14. Keep an eye on location. This can be big. If Ohio St. is playing in Dayton, that is essentially a home game for them. I'm surprised how often people don't look at this. Generally, if an upset is happening, the entire crowd pulls for the underdog. This will not happen if Duke is losing in Greensboro.
I can't emphasize enough how much fun this can be. I've been doing pools for close to 30 years, and everyone who has played ALWAYS comes back the next year. Most of them don't do it because of winning. They do it because my pools are a blast. I encourage shit talking. I encourage coming up with systems to use. And I can get an entire office of people who wouldn't give two squirts about college basketball for 11 months to spend Friday morning at the water cooler talking about that amazing finish to the Mississippi game last night. So if nobody in your office has a pool, start one. Promote it. Know your workers, and play to their interests. It will make the next month fly by.
I love March Madness. I'm a sports junkie, and it is my favorite sporting event, bar none. Even the Super Bowl takes a back seat to this.
Every year at this time, you will see a bunch of articles floating around the interwebs to tell you how to win your NCAA pool. This will have some of that, but this is a guide to help beginners and experts alike. This guide is not necessarily aimed at how to win your pool, but how to get the most enjoyment out of it.
ALL PLAYERS
1. Join a pool. This is brought to you by the editors of DUH magazine. If you work anywhere with more than 5 employees, chances are good that someone will start a pool. It doesn't matter if you don't know crap about basketball. You can still have fun.
2. Know your reasons for playing. "Jeez Umbrella, this is stupid. I'm playing to win!" Maybe so, but if that is your reason, prepare to be disappointed. If you are playing in a pool with 20 people, do the math. Winning is nice, but if that is why you are doing it, you will not have fun. Good reasons are A) Talking shit to your coworkers/friends/family. B) Being able to have discussions with the cute girl you would never normally talk to. "Hey, nice pick with Central Michigan there. What made you pick them?" C) Having a long four hour lunch on Thursday with your boss at the bar. I've pulled this off. Bonus points for having him pick up the tab. I haven't pulled this off (yet).
3. Come up with a system. It doesn't matter what the system is. It doesn't even have to be logical. I've seen all kinds of crazy systems win. One time, a lady picked teams based on which one of their mascots would win in a fight. I saw an engineer who knew nothing about basketball come up with some elaborate mathematical formula based on the seeds. If it works, you'll feel like a genius. If not, then you are lumped in with everyone else who didn't win.
4. Pick some upsets. There is always that one person who picks nothing but the higher seeds. That person is a douchebag. Yeah, they'll usually finish near the top, but they never win. Besides, nobody will remember that you finished third from last when your picks don't work out. But everyone will remember that you were the ONLY person to pick Siena. Especially when you remind them constantly.
5. Don't be afraid to pick a team for a stupid reason. Maybe you have an ex that went to Kentucky, and you want them to lose every game. That's a good enough reason to pick against them. Maybe you like Michigan's uniforms. Go ahead, pick them. Maybe you think Jim Boeheim looks like an alien. Pick against Syracuse in an upset.
6. Make sure there is money involved. If you've got a few bucks riding on the games, they will become a lot more interesting. However, watch out for the pools where some jackass is just trying to rip you off. I can't see any reason to have more than a $20 entry fee, and even that is pretty high. Usually $5 is a good number. It will get the casual fans to play, and yet there will still be a nice payout for the winner.
7. Talk shit if you are doing well. This goes back to rule #2. Chances are, your good luck will end soon, so make sure you rub it in while you are winning. However, don't be a pussy if people talk shit to you when you struggle after that. You've got to take the bad with the good. On a related note...
8. Give props. Make sure you give someone a thumbs up if they pick an upset correctly. That way, you won't get everyone to hate you during your shit talking. Remember, constant shit talking = asshole. Shit talking mixed in with appropriate compliments = passion.
BEGINNER ADVICE
This section is for those of you who don't know anything about basketball, or how the tournament works. This advice is to keep people from laughing at you like an idiot.
9. Pick the #1 seeds to win the first game. The #1 seed has never lost to a #16 seed. Granted, it will probably happen someday, and if you pick it correctly, you will be a legend. More likely is you will be wrong, and everyone will mock that pick.
10. Pick a #12 seed to win. Every year, a #12 seed beats a #5 seed. You have at least a 1 in 4 chance of picking the right #12 seed. See rule #4.
ADVANCED ADVICE
11. Know who you are playing with. I live in Tucson, so everyone around me is an Arizona Wildcat fan, and Pac-10 fans to a lesser extent. That means they will pick these teams to advance too far. Even in a down year, I guarantee there will be multiple people picking UCLA to go to the final four. I will use this knowledge against them.
12. When looking for upsets, find little teams that can shoot 3-pointers. When the upsets happen, it is almost always because some team gets hot shooting the 3. Those are the candidates to keep an eye on. Especially if the team they are playing is a zone defensive team.
13. Ignore the "experts". I hear the same expert advice every year. Pick teams with senior guards. Pick teams who are hot coming into the tournament. Pick teams from power conferences. This is all bullshit. I overanalyze my picks to death, so I know these are complete non-factors. Your first hint that these guys are full of shit is after the first round of the tournament when they are all moaning that their brackets are in shambles. It's because they can't pick any better than the secretary who made her picks based on uniform color schemes.
14. Keep an eye on location. This can be big. If Ohio St. is playing in Dayton, that is essentially a home game for them. I'm surprised how often people don't look at this. Generally, if an upset is happening, the entire crowd pulls for the underdog. This will not happen if Duke is losing in Greensboro.
I can't emphasize enough how much fun this can be. I've been doing pools for close to 30 years, and everyone who has played ALWAYS comes back the next year. Most of them don't do it because of winning. They do it because my pools are a blast. I encourage shit talking. I encourage coming up with systems to use. And I can get an entire office of people who wouldn't give two squirts about college basketball for 11 months to spend Friday morning at the water cooler talking about that amazing finish to the Mississippi game last night. So if nobody in your office has a pool, start one. Promote it. Know your workers, and play to their interests. It will make the next month fly by.
Monday, February 02, 2009
Thoughts from a broken hearted sports fan
My first words after the game ended? "We should have went to the sports bar."
Yes, I chose to have a Super Bowl party at my house last night. My friends and family put undue pressure on me, and I caved. Unfortunately, I caved on Saturday, not giving me much time to prepare. I had previous commitments on Saturday (which I may post about later), so I had to get everything ready on Sunday morning.
I got up early, and headed to the grocery store to get the necessary goodies. I wouldn't be cooking this time, since I usually prep everything the night before, so my guests would have to suffer with pre-packaged snacking. Sucks for them.
The first thing I noticed was that the store was FILLED with people wearing Cardinal gear. Let me state, I have lived in Tucson since 1996, and lived in the Phoenix area for many years before that. Of all the time I've lived in Tucson, I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen people wearing Cardinals crap. On the one hand, I guess it's good that after all these years, people are starting to support the team. On the other hand, I hate bandwagon fans. If this were an SAT question it would go along the lines of "Bandwagon fans :: Sports fans as Child molesters :: Prison inmates". They're all members of the same group, but the second ones want to anally rape the first ones. I guess I just feel like these new fans haven't suffered through the shitty times to be able to truly appreciate the good time (singular) with this team.
Secondly, I made a couple of errors in execution of my shopping plan. The first one was listening to my kids, who insisted that you can buy white board cleaner at the grocery store. They were wrong. The second one was my fault completely. A classic rookie blunder. I was loading up the cart with various beer and alcohol when one of the stockers came up and asked, "Is it almost 10 yet?" I thought to myself, "What a weird time to end a shift", and responded, "You've got a couple of hours still." He continued to look at me like I was a retard when it dawned on me. In Arizona, you can't buy alcohol on Sunday before 10:00. I completely spaced this one, and now I was going to have to go back out on a second trip.
After the post-10:00 alcohol and office supply run, I set up our gambling board. This is another Umbrella Super Bowl party tradition. I go to the websites of the casinos, and come up with the ridiculous prop bets they have, and write them on the white board. All the guests pitch in some money, we all make our bets, and winner takes all. Even the casual fans really get into the game when a bunch of money is to be won.
People showed up, and I was a wreck. This was as nervous as I think I have ever been for a game. That is very unlike me, and it was pissing me off. Unfortunately, I think it was pissing everyone else off too, because I was pacing around like a caged tiger on meth. Obviously, I needed to drink more.
As for the game, unfortunately, it went as I thought it would. I thought the Cardinals would play tough, but the Steelers would win it. It still sucked, knowing that it was THIS close. The play at the end of the first half was a killer, and everyone that watches football knew it immediately when it happened. It was a pretty somber halftime at the Umbrella house.
We all know how the game ended, and I was unusually bummed out by this. And somehow, apparently my cable company showed about 30 seconds of porn right after the Fitzgerald TD, and I missed it. I had a house full of people, and nobody saw it? How is that possible? (Edit: I found out it was only on the standard definition signal. Us high-end HD bitches missed the fun). To add salt to my wounds, I ended up getting 2nd in the gambling pool. The winner? One of my older daughter's friends, who's hair coloring scheme reminds me of Pepe Le Pew. And to top it all off, after everyone left, I managed to blow my diet for the first time ever by downing a bag of Doritos (who had the best commercial, BTW). Oh well, at least I learned a lot about the Power Up Gambia mission from the back of the bag.
Yes, I chose to have a Super Bowl party at my house last night. My friends and family put undue pressure on me, and I caved. Unfortunately, I caved on Saturday, not giving me much time to prepare. I had previous commitments on Saturday (which I may post about later), so I had to get everything ready on Sunday morning.
I got up early, and headed to the grocery store to get the necessary goodies. I wouldn't be cooking this time, since I usually prep everything the night before, so my guests would have to suffer with pre-packaged snacking. Sucks for them.
The first thing I noticed was that the store was FILLED with people wearing Cardinal gear. Let me state, I have lived in Tucson since 1996, and lived in the Phoenix area for many years before that. Of all the time I've lived in Tucson, I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen people wearing Cardinals crap. On the one hand, I guess it's good that after all these years, people are starting to support the team. On the other hand, I hate bandwagon fans. If this were an SAT question it would go along the lines of "Bandwagon fans :: Sports fans as Child molesters :: Prison inmates". They're all members of the same group, but the second ones want to anally rape the first ones. I guess I just feel like these new fans haven't suffered through the shitty times to be able to truly appreciate the good time (singular) with this team.
Secondly, I made a couple of errors in execution of my shopping plan. The first one was listening to my kids, who insisted that you can buy white board cleaner at the grocery store. They were wrong. The second one was my fault completely. A classic rookie blunder. I was loading up the cart with various beer and alcohol when one of the stockers came up and asked, "Is it almost 10 yet?" I thought to myself, "What a weird time to end a shift", and responded, "You've got a couple of hours still." He continued to look at me like I was a retard when it dawned on me. In Arizona, you can't buy alcohol on Sunday before 10:00. I completely spaced this one, and now I was going to have to go back out on a second trip.
After the post-10:00 alcohol and office supply run, I set up our gambling board. This is another Umbrella Super Bowl party tradition. I go to the websites of the casinos, and come up with the ridiculous prop bets they have, and write them on the white board. All the guests pitch in some money, we all make our bets, and winner takes all. Even the casual fans really get into the game when a bunch of money is to be won.
People showed up, and I was a wreck. This was as nervous as I think I have ever been for a game. That is very unlike me, and it was pissing me off. Unfortunately, I think it was pissing everyone else off too, because I was pacing around like a caged tiger on meth. Obviously, I needed to drink more.
As for the game, unfortunately, it went as I thought it would. I thought the Cardinals would play tough, but the Steelers would win it. It still sucked, knowing that it was THIS close. The play at the end of the first half was a killer, and everyone that watches football knew it immediately when it happened. It was a pretty somber halftime at the Umbrella house.
We all know how the game ended, and I was unusually bummed out by this. And somehow, apparently my cable company showed about 30 seconds of porn right after the Fitzgerald TD, and I missed it. I had a house full of people, and nobody saw it? How is that possible? (Edit: I found out it was only on the standard definition signal. Us high-end HD bitches missed the fun). To add salt to my wounds, I ended up getting 2nd in the gambling pool. The winner? One of my older daughter's friends, who's hair coloring scheme reminds me of Pepe Le Pew. And to top it all off, after everyone left, I managed to blow my diet for the first time ever by downing a bag of Doritos (who had the best commercial, BTW). Oh well, at least I learned a lot about the Power Up Gambia mission from the back of the bag.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
If the Cardinals make the Super Bowl, you can thank me
Football has been my favorite sport for most of my life. I went through a phase when I was a kid where baseball was king, but it was short lived. Growing up in Phoenix, I loved the Sun Devils, but we never had a NFL team, so I usually cheered for whoever had the most ex-Devils.
Then the Cardinals came. My dreams had come true. I finally had a real team to cheer for. I had been waiting my whole life for this. But I failed to account for one small factor.
The Cardinals sucked. Bad.
Still, I'm not one of those lame fair-weather fans. I wore my gear around. I went to games. I was there for Timm Rosenbach's debut against the Elway-led Broncos in a beatdown of epic proportions, where the highlight of the game was almost starting a riot by leading an enthusiastic "Chip Elway's Tooth" chant while surrounded by Bronco fans.
I was there for Jake Plummer's debut against the Titans, where he had more interceptions than that asshole in Seattle who cockblocked me all night (you know who you are). I sat through a rainstorm while watching Herschel Walker, right after he was traded to the Vikings, shred the Cards defense. I called in sick to work to watch a game that set football back 50 years as the Bucs and Cardinals battled in an epic 3-0 shootout.
Even after I moved to Tucson, I tried to attend some games, but not with the regularity I did before. The last game I went to in Sun Devil Stadium was when they beat the Lions, one of only two wins I've witnessed in person. When they moved to the new stadium, tickets were harder to come by, and I've only managed to go to one game there.
I must sidestep for a moment, and let you know that since 1991 (last year excluded, more on that later), I've thrown a Super Bowl party at my house. This thing has taken on a life of its own. We all usually get pretty hammered, gamble on everything, and generally have a blast. Even the weekend before we moved to Tucson, we had our last Phoenix party, and everyone sat on our boxes. My ex-wife was pretty pissed, but this was tradition, dammit! That was the year Michael Jackson was the halftime show. I was pretty wasted by halftime (Cowboys were beating up the Steelers pretty good), so I was grilling, and started singing "We are the World" in my best king of pop voice. My friend Oz yelled at me, "If he sings that, I'll suck your dick!" It couldn't have been more than five seconds when MJ raises his hands and starts wailing "We are the worrrrrld". Biggest cheer of the night in my house. Bastard never did fulfill his obligation.
One of the drawbacks to my parties is my TV isn't very big. Every year someone tells me I need to get a big screen TV. I have a good job, I can afford it, so I have no reason not to. However, every year I respond with, "If the Cardinals go to the Super Bowl, I'll get a big screen." And we would go another year with my crappy small TV.
Fast forward to 2008 and the weeks leading up to Super Bowl XLII (that's 42 for those of you who don't speak Roman). My lady friend brings up something. Her son was playing in a baseball tournament in Vegas on the Thu-Fri-Sat before the Super Bowl. Add on the fact that the Super Bowl was just before her birthday, and I've always wanted to go to Vegas for the Super Bowl, this was a no brainer. Party in Vegas this year.
Gambling on the Super Bowl was like my degenerate gambling wet dream. I was betting on every stupid prop bet I could find. I didn't even care how much money I lost, I just wanted to be ridiculous. However, something funny happened...
I was winning.
All these stupid bets kept coming through. It was highlighted by me predicting Plaxico Burress would have the last score in the game. Truly my crowning achievement in gambling history. I even took a picture to commemorate the moment.
Then the Cardinals came. My dreams had come true. I finally had a real team to cheer for. I had been waiting my whole life for this. But I failed to account for one small factor.
The Cardinals sucked. Bad.
Still, I'm not one of those lame fair-weather fans. I wore my gear around. I went to games. I was there for Timm Rosenbach's debut against the Elway-led Broncos in a beatdown of epic proportions, where the highlight of the game was almost starting a riot by leading an enthusiastic "Chip Elway's Tooth" chant while surrounded by Bronco fans.
I was there for Jake Plummer's debut against the Titans, where he had more interceptions than that asshole in Seattle who cockblocked me all night (you know who you are). I sat through a rainstorm while watching Herschel Walker, right after he was traded to the Vikings, shred the Cards defense. I called in sick to work to watch a game that set football back 50 years as the Bucs and Cardinals battled in an epic 3-0 shootout.
Even after I moved to Tucson, I tried to attend some games, but not with the regularity I did before. The last game I went to in Sun Devil Stadium was when they beat the Lions, one of only two wins I've witnessed in person. When they moved to the new stadium, tickets were harder to come by, and I've only managed to go to one game there.
I must sidestep for a moment, and let you know that since 1991 (last year excluded, more on that later), I've thrown a Super Bowl party at my house. This thing has taken on a life of its own. We all usually get pretty hammered, gamble on everything, and generally have a blast. Even the weekend before we moved to Tucson, we had our last Phoenix party, and everyone sat on our boxes. My ex-wife was pretty pissed, but this was tradition, dammit! That was the year Michael Jackson was the halftime show. I was pretty wasted by halftime (Cowboys were beating up the Steelers pretty good), so I was grilling, and started singing "We are the World" in my best king of pop voice. My friend Oz yelled at me, "If he sings that, I'll suck your dick!" It couldn't have been more than five seconds when MJ raises his hands and starts wailing "We are the worrrrrld". Biggest cheer of the night in my house. Bastard never did fulfill his obligation.
One of the drawbacks to my parties is my TV isn't very big. Every year someone tells me I need to get a big screen TV. I have a good job, I can afford it, so I have no reason not to. However, every year I respond with, "If the Cardinals go to the Super Bowl, I'll get a big screen." And we would go another year with my crappy small TV.
Fast forward to 2008 and the weeks leading up to Super Bowl XLII (that's 42 for those of you who don't speak Roman). My lady friend brings up something. Her son was playing in a baseball tournament in Vegas on the Thu-Fri-Sat before the Super Bowl. Add on the fact that the Super Bowl was just before her birthday, and I've always wanted to go to Vegas for the Super Bowl, this was a no brainer. Party in Vegas this year.
Gambling on the Super Bowl was like my degenerate gambling wet dream. I was betting on every stupid prop bet I could find. I didn't even care how much money I lost, I just wanted to be ridiculous. However, something funny happened...
I was winning.
All these stupid bets kept coming through. It was highlighted by me predicting Plaxico Burress would have the last score in the game. Truly my crowning achievement in gambling history. I even took a picture to commemorate the moment.
all the winners, thanks to the last Giants TD
I ended up making a nice chuck of change that night. So what did I do with all the winnings? I bought a 70" HD TV. Good times.
So it appears I was incorrect. For all these years, I should have been saying, "If I buy a big screen TV, the Cardinals will go to the Super Bowl". However, now that I've posted this, I probably jinxed the team, and they will lose Sunday.
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