How to be a TV weatherman in three simple steps

With the current economy and job situation, I will provide a public service. Yes, I am going to give you the skill set needed to be a TV weatherman. Follow these steps, and you're well on your way.

1) Look pretty.
2) Act so perky that even Rachel Ray will ask you to tone it down.
3) Be a complete fucking idiot.

For three days, all I have been hearing on the local newscasts is that it was going to snow this morning. Look, I understand being a weatherman in Tucson must suck. You have to come out every day and say "Sunny, nice weather", and make it sound interesting for 10 minutes. That's why they all use all those meteorological vocabulary words to explain what is going on. Complete waste of time. Just let me know if I need a coat, an umbrella, or if the wind is going to make me sneeze. That's it. Quite wasting my time and let's get to sports.

Last night, it was the lead story for the third straight night. I wasn't falling for their ploy. I remembered back when El Nino was going to devastate Tucson. They were trying to get us to get sandbags, and to board our windows, etc. I was actually worried about this. Then they day of the storm came, and we got a little wind. No damage reported, nothing. To quote Jay, "TV weatherman are so full of shit."

So I wasn't biting this time. My lady friend still watches TV news. I don't. I usually get all my info off of the interwebs, like God intended. But my kids were with their mom this weekend, so I spent the weekend hanging out with her. This involved my subjection to the TV news. I told her that they were full of shit, and she disagreed. She argued that would be unethical. I countered with "This is local TV news, ethics are the least of their concerns." Seriously, they dangle this shit out in front of us like worms, waiting for the baby birds to snap it all up.

So I wake up this morning, ready to check out the layer of frosty white goodness (ew, that could be misinterpreted as something gross) straight out of a Bing Crosby music video. Heck, from the sound of what was hitting my roof all night, these must have been the biggest snowflakes in history.

All I saw was wet. Yep, nothing but rain. It really wasn't even that cold. I turned on the TV with the sole purpose of them saying "Hey, we fucked up. Sorry." Of course not. They were still pimping that there was going to be rain/snow all morning. Give it up dudes. You're not fooling anyone. It was sunny, and somewhat cool. Not exactly a blizzard in the making.

The thing that made me laugh the most was when they were talking about school closures. They said that there weren't any yet, but they would let us know if there were any. If any of the schools closed because some dipshit on TV said it was going to snow, then I think the people in Washington that want to blow up the public school system may have a point. Luckily, our educators are not as stupid as the TV media.

It's actually tough always being right. It takes a lot of surprise out of my life.

The dumbest waitress ever

Sorry for the lack of posts. My boss has been on vacation, and I have had to run the show. Plus, I have been working overtime trying to get the hobbit fired. So far, no luck. Add to that the fact that my daughter made all-stars in softball, and I was named a coach, and there is absolutely no free time in my life right now. I know, cry me a fucking river.

Today, I had an experience that I just had to share. I do believe I may have found one of the dumbest waitresses in America. This is one of those restaurants where you pay at the counter, then they bring your food out. My total was $8.06. I had a ten dollar bill, and didn't want all that change. Unfortunately, I didn't have a nickel, so I gave her a dime and a penny. She was absolutely lost. I finally told her the change just to get the line moving.

My two buddies and I go sit down and wait for our food. After a few minutes, she comes out with a tray with our sandwiches. There were only about 6 tables with people at it, and we were the only ones without food. That didn't prevent the confusion. She ended up going to some other table where two guys were sitting. I couldn't hear the conversation, but obviously they were trying to tell her that it wasn't their order. I think the fact that there were three sandwiches on the tray for two people might have clued her in. Either that, or maybe the fact that the two guys were already eating might have helped.

The best was yet to come. My friend finally yelled out to her to come over. She sees us, and heads over. My buddy and I both got a French dip, while the other guy got something else. She gives us the sandwiches, and tells us the turkey club is on its way. We all had sandwiches, and tried to tell her we didn't order a turkey club. She gets confused, and then asks if these are our coffees. Now it was our turn to be confused, until I realized she was talking about the little bowls of au jus for the French dips. I told her that wasn't coffee, it was for the French dips. At this point, she gets all indignant, and says "Well, I think I would know coffee if I saw it." I said, "Yeah, you would think," and just told her they were ours.

Normally, I wouldn't make fun of the stupid. OK, yes I would, but at least I would feel bad about it. However, when you get all bitchy about it, when you are an obvious dumbass, then all bets are off. At this point, we start asking for cream and sugar for the coffee, asking if we can get free refills, wondering where the handles on the coffee cups were, that sort of thing. I have a feeling she won't be lasting long at that place.