Did I jinx myself? Probably.

Back in the old days, everyone liked my bitter posts much better than happy ones. So I would focus on the crappy things that would happen, and spin it to make it funnier than it actually was. It was a successful formula.

That's why I don't think it was coincidence that the day after I post something good that happened, I went through my own personal hell. Yes, I'm referring to the joy that is passing a kidney stone.

This was not a new experience for me. Almost a year ago to the day was my first experience with the stones. I woke up that day feeling like I had to take the worst piss ever. I raced to the bathroom, and manages to squeeze out a couple of drops. I knew right away something weird was going on.

Not long after that, I had a dull pain on the right side of my back. Still, I didn't realize anything. And then it hit. The "Holy fuck, I think my insides have just exploded, and I'm gonna die" pain took over. I staggered to my car to go to the hospital, but I was in so much pain, I couldn't even get out of the driveway.

I called a coworker, and asked if he was on his way to work yet. He said he was almost there, so I asked him if he could drive me to the hospital. At this point, I figured my appendix had ruptured. If he couldn't take me, I was ready to call 911. Luckily he showed up pretty quickly.

I've got a reputation as a daredevil with little regard for my well being, and an extremely high tolerance for pain. So he was pretty shocked to see me lying on the floor in the fetal position, unable to form complete sentences. He helped me stagger into the back seat of his car, where I resumed the position, telling him I would pay for any speeding tickets he might get, but to hurry the fuck up.

He helps me stumble into the emergency room, where they actually get to me immediately. One of the first things they ask is "On a scale of one to ten, what is your pain at?" I would like to say right now, this is a stupid fucking question to ask someone in misery. Luckily, I've had quite a bit of experience with pain. I played football on a broken ankle. I've left giant chunks of skin on the pavement trying a foolhardy bike trick. I've been car surfing, with disastrous results. I jumped off of a roof and missed my target, hitting the ground and breaking ribs. This was worse than all of them. Was it as bad as being burned alive? Probably not. I said 9, mostly so I wouldn't look like a total pussy if this turned out to be indigestion or something.

They did a scan on me, gave me some morphine, and told me I was passing a kidney stone. At least I wasn't dying, so that was good. They were pretty sympathetic, and told me that it is pretty excruciating, so getting the painkillers alone was reason enough to come to the ER. Unfortunately, they said I still had two stones, and it was anyone's guess if or when they would pass.

Fast forward to this Tuesday. I wake up having to piss badly, and can't. Uh-oh, I know what this means. Here comes the back pain again. At this point, I know my day is about to suck really bad. I call in sick to work, and brace myself. I know it will hurt, but I can handle it.

Then the real pain came. My inner dialog was going between "It didn't last this long last time, something's wrong" to "Yes it did, shut up, quit being such a whiny bitch". Then I started puking. That didn't happen last time. Game, set, match, whiny bitch. I called my next door neighbor for a ride to ER.

Now it has just occurred to me that you might not understand how kidney stones work. I didn't until I got them. So I'm going to clue you in on this. I know what you're thinking. "What, actual educational information Umbrella?" Shit yeah! I'm making the world a better place today.

There is a little tube from your kidney to your bladder, called a ureter. It is very tiny. Stones can build up in your kidney due to diet, not enough water, or even your shitty family history, as is my case (although my shitty diet didn't help). The lack of piss is because the ureter can get clogged by the stone. The back pain, and then the "holy fuck" pain is from trying to get that stone through the ureter. I always thought that the sucky thing would be pissing out a stone, but in reality that's not bad at all. Once the stone is in the bladder, it's all downhill. OK, enough of this vocabulary word shit.

As it turns out, I get to the hospital, same drill, and to the scan I go. Only this time, the stone is a bit bigger, and has gotten stuck. Wonderful. Plan A is to pump me full of fluids and let the pressure push that thing through. That sounds fun, doesn't it? So I've got an IV, and I think I'm gonna burst. Still no luck.

On to plan B. This involves stick a tube up my pee hole and blasting the son of a bitch with some sound waves or something. They explained it to me, but I was pretty high on morphine at this point, so things are a little hazy. This worked. However, there is still one stone left, so I'll get to do this again at some point.

And that concludes my report on "How I Spent The Most Significant Inauguration Day Of My Lifetime".