Umbrella's guide to holiday viewing

I'm a little late with this, but in case you've never seen the holiday programming, may I suggest you get a TV? For you frekas, here's a guide to decide what to watch this year. The scale is from one to five egg nogs, with 5 being the best.

It's A Wonderful Life (1946) - The movie that spawned so many imitations. Yeah, it's kind of hokey, but I love this flick. Jimmy Stewart rules, and that is not open for debate. Mary is pretty hot for a 1940's chick. It was the inspiration behind Ernie and Bert. And as a bonus, you get to see the dude who was Alfalfa in this movie (he's the guy that opens the pool so everyone falls in at the dance). Still, I have to dock it some points because it's a proven fact that every kid in old movies has to be annoying as fuck. 4.5/5 egg nogs.

Miracle on 34th Street (1947) - Not bad, but I have some problems with the movie. First of all, does anybody really believe that was Santa? I think if a parent let some crazy old dude take care of their kid these days, CPS would get called. Then, the lawyer gets "Santa" off on a technicality, creating more distrust of laywers. Plus, I just can't get over the feeling that this was an early infomercial for Macy's. 2/5 egg nogs.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (1964) - This one is considered the Rankin/Bass classic, but it's never sat real well with me. First off, Rudolph's parents are assholes for mocking his birth defect. Can you imagine if Corky's parents teased him on "Life Goes On"? People would be losing their minds. Yet with Rudolph, it's OK. I don't get it. And I hate that fucking elf who wants to be a dentist. What a little bitch that guy is. Who wants to go from making kids happy to inflicting pain? Yukon Cornelius is a badass though, and I will give bonus points to the squirt gun that shoots grape jelly. That thing rocks. I wish I had one of those. 2.5/5 egg nogs.

A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965) - Another classic. However, I think this one misses the mark a little bit. Why would Charlie Brown get all discouraged about Snoopy's awesome light display on his doghouse? I mean, which would you rather see, a tricked out doghouse, or an anemic little Christmas tree that dies when you put an ornament on it. No contest. Also, Linus gets a little too preachy for me. Hey Linus, maybe we would pay a little more attention to you if you didn't completely ruin your credibility a couple of months earlier with all that Great Pumpkin nonsense. 1.5/5 egg nogs.

How The Grinch Stole Christmas (1966) - OK, the Grinch is pretty awesome. Boris Karloff does his voice, and narrates, which automatically gets bonus points. Plus, whoever that dude who sings about Grinch has the coolest deep voice. Eat your heart out Barry White. And for anyone who thinks cats are cooler than dogs, the dog in Grinch will end that argument. Loyal, hard working, and can see no fault in the Grinch? Yep, sounds like every dog I know. I can't give it 5 egg nogs for two reasons. One, the people in Whoville are a little on the Stepford side for me. Second, it spawned a terrible Jim Carrey flick. 4/5 egg nogs.

A Christmas Story (1983) - Now we're talking. A gun is the focal point in the story. The queen mother of all curse words. A double dog dare. Chinese turkey. Major awards. I OWN this movie, and it is the only must watch on my list every year. Jean Shepard is a terrific writer, and the film is a great adaptation of his work. My lady friend doesn't like this movie. That's because she is a freak. Plus, this movie has life lessons in it. For example, when Ralphie gets busted for cursing, he immediately blames Schwartz. The lesson in this? Blame the Jews. 5/5 egg nogs.

Football (every year) - I realize some of you would argue that this isn't holiday programming. To you people, I say "Move back to France!" It's on in December. Bowl games are on Christmas day. And on the rare occasions when Christmas is on Sunday, it is like the birth of Jesus is being witness by our generation. Plus, December football is either bowl games (college) or playoff pushes (NFL). 5/5 beers (only a pussy drinks egg nog while watching football).