Life as an AZ sports fan

Hey all. It's been a while. Let's catch up real quick, then on to my point. Work still sucks, I've got a new gig in a old school punk band, and my daughter turned 18/went to prom/graduating high school all in a 10 day span. Things are pretty crazy in umbrella land.

However, I'm here to talk sports. I'm watching the NBA playoffs, yet the Suns aren't involved. Steve Kerr and Robert Sarver have ruined this team. Now Alvin Gentry is the new coach. Next year will suck too.

The Coyotes look like they're leaving town. They've pretty much sucked as long as they've been in Phoenix. I'd like to be more upset about this, but it's hard to get irate when the team you stole from another city leaves. It's like getting upset when your wife cheats on you, but forgetting that you started fucking her when she was still married to her first husband.

But the real pain for me is the Diamondbacks. The 13-22 Diamondbacks. Let's have a contest in the comments section to come up with the best two word phrase to describe this team. Unmitigated disaster. Underachieving mess. Giant clusterfuck. All of these work.

We've had injuries. Brandon Webb, Stephen Drew, Tony Clark, and Connor Jackson have all been on the DL this season. But that's no excuse. The real culprit is the offense. It's horrible. It's so bad, that from now on, I'm calling them the Diamndbacks. No O, get it? Thank you, don't forget to tip your waitresses.

Let's take a look at the numbers. Out of the 30 teams in baseball, here's where they rank. Batting average, 30th. Runs scored, 29th (San Diego has one less run). Hits, 28th. On base percentage, 30th. Slugging percentage, 24th (this surprised me). Average with runners in scoring position, 30th. Scoring position with two outs, 30th. And my personal favorite: six of the position players who started opening day are batting .215 or less. SIX!!

As awesome as Augie is (hitting .310 in limited playing time), he can't do it all himself. The manager, Bob Melvin, was justifiably fired. However, they hired some front office puppet who has NEVER managed a game at any level in his life. Genius.

Esteemed leader, or chess team star?

I'm so disgusted, I can't even do any live blogs. This team has openly quit on its manager, and the fans are letting them know. I went to Monday's game against the Reds, and I have never seen a crowd that small. And everyone there was in a foul mood. I didn't know such a tiny crowd could boo so loud. Worse thing is, it's only May.

You know it's a cold day in Hell when the Cardinals are the best franchise in town.