Three-and-a-half year update, in trendy FAQ style

I decided to answer all the burning questions from my loyal readers about my long absence. OK, my loyal readers probably don't know I'm back yet, but if they did, I'm pretty sure these are the questions they would ask.

Q: Did you ever get the hobbit fired?
A: Hell froze over long before the Cardinals were hosting the NFC championship game. Upper management finally had enough, and the big boss came down to fire the hobbit in person. However, in true Bilbo fashion, he chose that day to call off of work, since he had to finish some yardwork. Classic. Needless to say, the big boss was pissed, and ended up changing all our locks. Bilbo came in the next day, rattled the locked door a bit, left, and was never heard from again.

Q: How about your lady friend? She got mentioned all the time. What's up with her?
A: Amazingly, we're still together. Although she is pushing hard for marriage, so I think the "rock or walk" speech is right around the corner.

Q: What about your daughters?
A: Both of my daughters are now teenagers. It's known in my house as the estrogen nightmare. My oldest one is graduating high school this year, which is somewhat bittersweet for me.

Q: You mentioned a jam session in one of your posts. Did anything become of that?
A: Long story short, we had a blast, and three-and-a-half years, several people, and many, many beers later, we have a full fledged band on our hands. We are hoping to release our first album this year.

Q: Mmmmm, beer. Any new ones for us?
A: Um, funny you should mention that. I turned 40 during the hiatus, and you know what that means. Yep, physical time. Dr. Jellyfinger beckons. So it turns out that all my years of hard living have been doing a number on my body, and I had to make some major changes in my lifestyle. I'm not afraid of dying, but that doesn't mean I'm trying to hasten it along. One of those changes involved eliminating beer from my diet. I'm still mourning.

Q: What? No beer?
A: Sad but true. However, I am learning to appreciate some of the other alcohols. Whiskey sours are my current drink of choice.

Q: Do you still have the rally plunger?
A: Yes I do, and it still has not touched the inside of a toilet. I mean, would you use Excaliber to butter bread? Of course not. I still haven't figured out all of its powers. It doesn't seem to respond to football or basketball. Baseball is inconsistant. Maybe it only works in person, but I haven't had the guts to try it live again.

Q: What about your grandmother? That was the last post before you left.
A: Unfortunately, she passed away shortly after that post. When I'm feeling sentimental, I'll give a proper post for her. She doesn't deserve my normal snarky commentary.

There you have it. I'm sure there are other questions from my loyal readers, but I'm not a mind reader.