I'm a little late with this, but in case you've never seen the holiday programming, may I suggest you get a TV? For you frekas, here's a guide to decide what to watch this year. The scale is from one to five egg nogs, with 5 being the best.
It's A Wonderful Life (1946) - The movie that spawned so many imitations. Yeah, it's kind of hokey, but I love this flick. Jimmy Stewart rules, and that is not open for debate. Mary is pretty hot for a 1940's chick. It was the inspiration behind Ernie and Bert. And as a bonus, you get to see the dude who was Alfalfa in this movie (he's the guy that opens the pool so everyone falls in at the dance). Still, I have to dock it some points because it's a proven fact that every kid in old movies has to be annoying as fuck. 4.5/5 egg nogs.
Miracle on 34th Street (1947) - Not bad, but I have some problems with the movie. First of all, does anybody really believe that was Santa? I think if a parent let some crazy old dude take care of their kid these days, CPS would get called. Then, the lawyer gets "Santa" off on a technicality, creating more distrust of laywers. Plus, I just can't get over the feeling that this was an early infomercial for Macy's. 2/5 egg nogs.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (1964) - This one is considered the Rankin/Bass classic, but it's never sat real well with me. First off, Rudolph's parents are assholes for mocking his birth defect. Can you imagine if Corky's parents teased him on "Life Goes On"? People would be losing their minds. Yet with Rudolph, it's OK. I don't get it. And I hate that fucking elf who wants to be a dentist. What a little bitch that guy is. Who wants to go from making kids happy to inflicting pain? Yukon Cornelius is a badass though, and I will give bonus points to the squirt gun that shoots grape jelly. That thing rocks. I wish I had one of those. 2.5/5 egg nogs.
A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965) - Another classic. However, I think this one misses the mark a little bit. Why would Charlie Brown get all discouraged about Snoopy's awesome light display on his doghouse? I mean, which would you rather see, a tricked out doghouse, or an anemic little Christmas tree that dies when you put an ornament on it. No contest. Also, Linus gets a little too preachy for me. Hey Linus, maybe we would pay a little more attention to you if you didn't completely ruin your credibility a couple of months earlier with all that Great Pumpkin nonsense. 1.5/5 egg nogs.
How The Grinch Stole Christmas (1966) - OK, the Grinch is pretty awesome. Boris Karloff does his voice, and narrates, which automatically gets bonus points. Plus, whoever that dude who sings about Grinch has the coolest deep voice. Eat your heart out Barry White. And for anyone who thinks cats are cooler than dogs, the dog in Grinch will end that argument. Loyal, hard working, and can see no fault in the Grinch? Yep, sounds like every dog I know. I can't give it 5 egg nogs for two reasons. One, the people in Whoville are a little on the Stepford side for me. Second, it spawned a terrible Jim Carrey flick. 4/5 egg nogs.
A Christmas Story (1983) - Now we're talking. A gun is the focal point in the story. The queen mother of all curse words. A double dog dare. Chinese turkey. Major awards. I OWN this movie, and it is the only must watch on my list every year. Jean Shepard is a terrific writer, and the film is a great adaptation of his work. My lady friend doesn't like this movie. That's because she is a freak. Plus, this movie has life lessons in it. For example, when Ralphie gets busted for cursing, he immediately blames Schwartz. The lesson in this? Blame the Jews. 5/5 egg nogs.
Football (every year) - I realize some of you would argue that this isn't holiday programming. To you people, I say "Move back to France!" It's on in December. Bowl games are on Christmas day. And on the rare occasions when Christmas is on Sunday, it is like the birth of Jesus is being witness by our generation. Plus, December football is either bowl games (college) or playoff pushes (NFL). 5/5 beers (only a pussy drinks egg nog while watching football).
Showing posts with label TV. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TV. Show all posts
Sunday, December 06, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
The first step is admitting you have a problem
I have a confession to make. I am a reality TV junkie. I know, someone of my intelligence should be above this. But this stuff is like crack to me. I watch the good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between.
The reason I bring this up is because people that know me know I watch this crap. And last night, the new season of The Amazing Race started. I really dig this show. I get to travel vicariously through it. And it's always good for a few mind fucks along the way. (Side note: Blogger's spellchecker informed my that mindfuck is actually two words. Who knew?) Anyhow, there was a pretty awesome scene in the opener. And the people I work with were claiming that it was the funniest thing the show has ever had.
That's a mighty big claim. And it got me thinking. What are the best ever scenes, in terms of hilarity? I could do some research, but that involves work, so these are just off the top of my head. Keep in mind, my sense of humor may differ, but here is Umbrella's list of the six best moments from The Amazing Race, hopefully with linked video awesomeness.
6. The Broken Ox. Colin and Christie were fucking machines this season. They were absolutely dominating this season. Yeah, Colin could be kind of a dick, but most champions are. However, this task destroyed him. One of the great epic meltdowns. This caused them to finish last on this leg, and spawned one of the best lines in the show's history.
5. Everything's Better With Midgets. Yeah, I'm going to hell for laughing at this, but if you don't want to be mocked, don't go on TV. Hell, I was laughing again watching it just now. This might be rated too low.
4. Jackasses Leading Jackasses. OK, apologies for the clip. Go to the 2:45 mark to begin the awesome. If you haven't figured it out yet, introducing animals usually brings comedy gold. Seriously, pissed off donkeys rule. Especially when they're pissed off at people who are dickholes.
3. The Cheese Stands Alone. From last night's episode. Pretty funny, but only third on my list. This is only a partial clip. Seriously, were those carriers made of balsa wood? Having the locals drinking beer and laughing their asses off was a nice touch as well.
2. A Complete and Total Barf-O-Rama. My brother will argue to the death that not only was this the greatest Amazing Race moment, but the best reality moment as well. It's definitely a contender. It builds the drama. It has comedy on several levels. And just when you think the joke is done, BAM, the epic punchline. Bonus points for Jon being from my hometown. And, it gives me another excuse to use the PUKE label.
1. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. But for my money, this is the best. A classic meltdown. People chucking food. I think I would have lost it too. This was just a purely evil mind fuck. Seriously, if you ever want to see two people simultaneously have nervous breakdowns in completely different fashions, this is it. And some of those people had deadly shots.
There you go. If you watch the show, and you can think of one I forgot, let me know.
Honorable mentions without clips: The Jewish frats marching, the dye fight (a blatent ripoff of the tomato fight), Mirna's accents.
The reason I bring this up is because people that know me know I watch this crap. And last night, the new season of The Amazing Race started. I really dig this show. I get to travel vicariously through it. And it's always good for a few mind fucks along the way. (Side note: Blogger's spellchecker informed my that mindfuck is actually two words. Who knew?) Anyhow, there was a pretty awesome scene in the opener. And the people I work with were claiming that it was the funniest thing the show has ever had.
That's a mighty big claim. And it got me thinking. What are the best ever scenes, in terms of hilarity? I could do some research, but that involves work, so these are just off the top of my head. Keep in mind, my sense of humor may differ, but here is Umbrella's list of the six best moments from The Amazing Race, hopefully with linked video awesomeness.
6. The Broken Ox. Colin and Christie were fucking machines this season. They were absolutely dominating this season. Yeah, Colin could be kind of a dick, but most champions are. However, this task destroyed him. One of the great epic meltdowns. This caused them to finish last on this leg, and spawned one of the best lines in the show's history.
5. Everything's Better With Midgets. Yeah, I'm going to hell for laughing at this, but if you don't want to be mocked, don't go on TV. Hell, I was laughing again watching it just now. This might be rated too low.
4. Jackasses Leading Jackasses. OK, apologies for the clip. Go to the 2:45 mark to begin the awesome. If you haven't figured it out yet, introducing animals usually brings comedy gold. Seriously, pissed off donkeys rule. Especially when they're pissed off at people who are dickholes.
3. The Cheese Stands Alone. From last night's episode. Pretty funny, but only third on my list. This is only a partial clip. Seriously, were those carriers made of balsa wood? Having the locals drinking beer and laughing their asses off was a nice touch as well.
2. A Complete and Total Barf-O-Rama. My brother will argue to the death that not only was this the greatest Amazing Race moment, but the best reality moment as well. It's definitely a contender. It builds the drama. It has comedy on several levels. And just when you think the joke is done, BAM, the epic punchline. Bonus points for Jon being from my hometown. And, it gives me another excuse to use the PUKE label.
1. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. But for my money, this is the best. A classic meltdown. People chucking food. I think I would have lost it too. This was just a purely evil mind fuck. Seriously, if you ever want to see two people simultaneously have nervous breakdowns in completely different fashions, this is it. And some of those people had deadly shots.
There you go. If you watch the show, and you can think of one I forgot, let me know.
Honorable mentions without clips: The Jewish frats marching, the dye fight (a blatent ripoff of the tomato fight), Mirna's accents.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
How to be a TV weatherman in three simple steps
With the current economy and job situation, I will provide a public service. Yes, I am going to give you the skill set needed to be a TV weatherman. Follow these steps, and you're well on your way.
1) Look pretty.
2) Act so perky that even Rachel Ray will ask you to tone it down.
3) Be a complete fucking idiot.
For three days, all I have been hearing on the local newscasts is that it was going to snow this morning. Look, I understand being a weatherman in Tucson must suck. You have to come out every day and say "Sunny, nice weather", and make it sound interesting for 10 minutes. That's why they all use all those meteorological vocabulary words to explain what is going on. Complete waste of time. Just let me know if I need a coat, an umbrella, or if the wind is going to make me sneeze. That's it. Quite wasting my time and let's get to sports.
Last night, it was the lead story for the third straight night. I wasn't falling for their ploy. I remembered back when El Nino was going to devastate Tucson. They were trying to get us to get sandbags, and to board our windows, etc. I was actually worried about this. Then they day of the storm came, and we got a little wind. No damage reported, nothing. To quote Jay, "TV weatherman are so full of shit."
So I wasn't biting this time. My lady friend still watches TV news. I don't. I usually get all my info off of the interwebs, like God intended. But my kids were with their mom this weekend, so I spent the weekend hanging out with her. This involved my subjection to the TV news. I told her that they were full of shit, and she disagreed. She argued that would be unethical. I countered with "This is local TV news, ethics are the least of their concerns." Seriously, they dangle this shit out in front of us like worms, waiting for the baby birds to snap it all up.
So I wake up this morning, ready to check out the layer of frosty white goodness (ew, that could be misinterpreted as something gross) straight out of a Bing Crosby music video. Heck, from the sound of what was hitting my roof all night, these must have been the biggest snowflakes in history.
All I saw was wet. Yep, nothing but rain. It really wasn't even that cold. I turned on the TV with the sole purpose of them saying "Hey, we fucked up. Sorry." Of course not. They were still pimping that there was going to be rain/snow all morning. Give it up dudes. You're not fooling anyone. It was sunny, and somewhat cool. Not exactly a blizzard in the making.
The thing that made me laugh the most was when they were talking about school closures. They said that there weren't any yet, but they would let us know if there were any. If any of the schools closed because some dipshit on TV said it was going to snow, then I think the people in Washington that want to blow up the public school system may have a point. Luckily, our educators are not as stupid as the TV media.
It's actually tough always being right. It takes a lot of surprise out of my life.
1) Look pretty.
2) Act so perky that even Rachel Ray will ask you to tone it down.
3) Be a complete fucking idiot.
For three days, all I have been hearing on the local newscasts is that it was going to snow this morning. Look, I understand being a weatherman in Tucson must suck. You have to come out every day and say "Sunny, nice weather", and make it sound interesting for 10 minutes. That's why they all use all those meteorological vocabulary words to explain what is going on. Complete waste of time. Just let me know if I need a coat, an umbrella, or if the wind is going to make me sneeze. That's it. Quite wasting my time and let's get to sports.
Last night, it was the lead story for the third straight night. I wasn't falling for their ploy. I remembered back when El Nino was going to devastate Tucson. They were trying to get us to get sandbags, and to board our windows, etc. I was actually worried about this. Then they day of the storm came, and we got a little wind. No damage reported, nothing. To quote Jay, "TV weatherman are so full of shit."
So I wasn't biting this time. My lady friend still watches TV news. I don't. I usually get all my info off of the interwebs, like God intended. But my kids were with their mom this weekend, so I spent the weekend hanging out with her. This involved my subjection to the TV news. I told her that they were full of shit, and she disagreed. She argued that would be unethical. I countered with "This is local TV news, ethics are the least of their concerns." Seriously, they dangle this shit out in front of us like worms, waiting for the baby birds to snap it all up.
So I wake up this morning, ready to check out the layer of frosty white goodness (ew, that could be misinterpreted as something gross) straight out of a Bing Crosby music video. Heck, from the sound of what was hitting my roof all night, these must have been the biggest snowflakes in history.
All I saw was wet. Yep, nothing but rain. It really wasn't even that cold. I turned on the TV with the sole purpose of them saying "Hey, we fucked up. Sorry." Of course not. They were still pimping that there was going to be rain/snow all morning. Give it up dudes. You're not fooling anyone. It was sunny, and somewhat cool. Not exactly a blizzard in the making.
The thing that made me laugh the most was when they were talking about school closures. They said that there weren't any yet, but they would let us know if there were any. If any of the schools closed because some dipshit on TV said it was going to snow, then I think the people in Washington that want to blow up the public school system may have a point. Luckily, our educators are not as stupid as the TV media.
It's actually tough always being right. It takes a lot of surprise out of my life.
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