Porn stashes: Why they're GOOD things for women

So you've probably noticed my infrequent updates. I am travelling quite often for work these days, and I just don't have a lot of computer time. And what little free time I have, I prefer to search for porn instead of good blogs. Hey, life gets lonely on the road.

Which leads me into today's topic. Why do most women get so upset when they discover their man's porn stash? Though the technology changes, throughout my entire life, I've had a porn stash of some sort or another.

It starts as a kid. When I was young, I will never forget the discovery of porn. It happened to me twice, and both times I was taking out the trash. We had a community garbage dumpster, and I am assuming some poor schmuck's wife/girlfriend/mom found his porn stash, and he was forced to dispose of it. For a kid, that was like finding the golden ticket. You were suddenly the most popular kid in the neighborhood.

Unfortunately, as a kid, you don't have a lot of creativity when it comes to hiding places. Eventually, that genius hiding spot under the mattress gets discovered when mom changes the sheets. There is nothing worse than coming home, only to realize the magazines are gone. Of course, you can't go "Uh, mom? Did you accidentally move something when you were changing the sheets? Huh, oh, no reason." Asking your mom for your porn back is like asking her the size of her vagina on the awkwardness scale.

Eventually, the time comes when you can acquire porn legally. That's when the stash starts in earnest. Hopefully by this point, you have your own place, and can stash it more safely. This era, usually in your early 20's, is the golden age of porn. However, pretty soon you will get a steady girlfriend, and she will spend more and more time at your place. And then there will come the day when the stash is discovered, and you have to try and convince her that you're not some sort of pervert.

Now, we have the interwebs, and this ups the ante considerably. There are options out there I could never have dreamed up. OK, I have dreamed them, but I never had access to it. Until now. It's incredible. But this in itself poses new problems. Daniel Tosh has a great bit about this. Sadly, this scenario has come true with me. My kids and my lady friend sometimes use my laptop, so I have to be careful about deleting any incriminating evidence. Yes, even the new virtual stash can get discovered.

My question is, why is porn considered bad? I've heard the arguments. It's demeaning to women. Bullshit. If you think it's demeaning, don't do it. It's that simple. Another argument I've heard is that it will create a society of perverts and sexual deviants. Yeah, these are the same idiots that think Marilyn Manson was the reason Columbine happened. If anyone has a good reason, I will listen. I just haven't heard one yet.

However, I never hear the arguments why porn is good. Until now. Ladies, I am now going to clue you in on why you should look the other way when your man is checking out porn.

1. Porn prevents infidelity. Yep, you heard it here first. Not only does it not make him a pervert, it will keep him faithful. Whether you want to admit it or not, guys like variety. There is a reason sex sells. However, contrary to popular belief, most guys are pretty loyal to their women. So how does a guy get some strange, yet still be faithful? You got it, porn. We can let our imaginations go wild, and have sex with someone new without really having sex. And on a related note...

2. Porn prevents you from doing things you are uncomfortable with. Let's set up a hypothetical situation. Let's say your guy really wants to do anal with you. However, for whatever your reasons are, having something stuck up your ass isn't really your idea of romance. Fine, it's your body, and I'm not going to tell you what you should do with it. So now we're at a impasse. Checking out some porn, while not the ideal situation, is the next best thing. You can use any fetish you want for this example.

3. Porn prevents cancer. What? I know what you're thinking; That's a reach Umbrella. No it's not. It's been shown that masturbation helps prevent prostate cancer. Here's some proof even. My guess is that this study was done by men.

4. Porn makes better lovers. I realize this headline is misleading. I'm not saying that guys should slap women's asses while fucking them. I'm saying that porn can help a guy that suffers from coming too quick. Remember the scene in Something About Mary involving "cleaning the pipes"? That's what I'm referring to.

5. Porn minimizes STD's and unwanted pregnancies. I'm on the road, and I'm horny. I can get a hooker, find a bar floozy, or cuddle up with my porn. Which one do you think is the safest?

Now I'm not arguing that if you're in the mood for some loving, and your guy would rather be online, that's a good thing. Obviously, that's a problem, and that's waaaay above my expertise as an online shrink. But I am saying that if you should be on your guy's laptop, and you see something in his history where he was checking out gianttitsonbucktoothedwomen.com, don't freak the fuck out. Especially if you're a flat chested women with a perfect smile. Sometimes guys like a little strange.

Thoughts from a broken hearted sports fan

My first words after the game ended? "We should have went to the sports bar."

Yes, I chose to have a Super Bowl party at my house last night. My friends and family put undue pressure on me, and I caved. Unfortunately, I caved on Saturday, not giving me much time to prepare. I had previous commitments on Saturday (which I may post about later), so I had to get everything ready on Sunday morning.

I got up early, and headed to the grocery store to get the necessary goodies. I wouldn't be cooking this time, since I usually prep everything the night before, so my guests would have to suffer with pre-packaged snacking. Sucks for them.

The first thing I noticed was that the store was FILLED with people wearing Cardinal gear. Let me state, I have lived in Tucson since 1996, and lived in the Phoenix area for many years before that. Of all the time I've lived in Tucson, I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen people wearing Cardinals crap. On the one hand, I guess it's good that after all these years, people are starting to support the team. On the other hand, I hate bandwagon fans. If this were an SAT question it would go along the lines of "Bandwagon fans :: Sports fans as Child molesters :: Prison inmates". They're all members of the same group, but the second ones want to anally rape the first ones. I guess I just feel like these new fans haven't suffered through the shitty times to be able to truly appreciate the good time (singular) with this team.

Secondly, I made a couple of errors in execution of my shopping plan. The first one was listening to my kids, who insisted that you can buy white board cleaner at the grocery store. They were wrong. The second one was my fault completely. A classic rookie blunder. I was loading up the cart with various beer and alcohol when one of the stockers came up and asked, "Is it almost 10 yet?" I thought to myself, "What a weird time to end a shift", and responded, "You've got a couple of hours still." He continued to look at me like I was a retard when it dawned on me. In Arizona, you can't buy alcohol on Sunday before 10:00. I completely spaced this one, and now I was going to have to go back out on a second trip.

After the post-10:00 alcohol and office supply run, I set up our gambling board. This is another Umbrella Super Bowl party tradition. I go to the websites of the casinos, and come up with the ridiculous prop bets they have, and write them on the white board. All the guests pitch in some money, we all make our bets, and winner takes all. Even the casual fans really get into the game when a bunch of money is to be won.

People showed up, and I was a wreck. This was as nervous as I think I have ever been for a game. That is very unlike me, and it was pissing me off. Unfortunately, I think it was pissing everyone else off too, because I was pacing around like a caged tiger on meth. Obviously, I needed to drink more.

As for the game, unfortunately, it went as I thought it would. I thought the Cardinals would play tough, but the Steelers would win it. It still sucked, knowing that it was THIS close. The play at the end of the first half was a killer, and everyone that watches football knew it immediately when it happened. It was a pretty somber halftime at the Umbrella house.

We all know how the game ended, and I was unusually bummed out by this. And somehow, apparently my cable company showed about 30 seconds of porn right after the Fitzgerald TD, and I missed it. I had a house full of people, and nobody saw it? How is that possible? (Edit: I found out it was only on the standard definition signal. Us high-end HD bitches missed the fun). To add salt to my wounds, I ended up getting 2nd in the gambling pool. The winner? One of my older daughter's friends, who's hair coloring scheme reminds me of Pepe Le Pew. And to top it all off, after everyone left, I managed to blow my diet for the first time ever by downing a bag of Doritos (who had the best commercial, BTW). Oh well, at least I learned a lot about the Power Up Gambia mission from the back of the bag.