Can you hear me now? Hell no!

My cell phone sucks. There is no way to sugar coat this, it flat out sucks. I can't use it in my house, and I can't use it in my office. So about 95% of the time, I have problems. Otherwise, it is pretty good. It has become a running joke with my friends and family at this point. At work, everyone laughs when I am racing to the door to get outside before my call drops.

The reason I bring this up is because I spent a good portion of yesterday on my cell phone. Because it is such a piece of shit, that means I spent a good portion of yesterday outside. This is a problem, because it is about a million degrees out there, with high humidity, and I got sunburned to shit, along with smelling like a pig farm when I was done because of all the sweat. Then, for good measure, I split my pants. This may have been karmic retribution, but that is another story for another time.

I come back into the office, drenched, red, and leaving no doubt as to the color of my boxers. I was immediately met by the hobbit, and another coworker. Let's tune in on the conversation...

Hobbit: Jeez, did you go for a jog or something?
Umbrella: It is a fucking sauna out there.
Hobbit: What were you doing out there?
Umbrella (still holding phone in hand, and showing it to him): My phone sucks.
Co-worker: Two words for you, conference room.
Umbrella: I've got two words for you, my phone sucks ass, and I need to get a new one.
Hobbit: That isn't two words.
Umbrella and Co-worker: Shut the fuck up, Bilbo.

(For maximum effect, make sure you read that last line like John Goodman's character in "The Big Lewbowski".)

I would normally use the conference room phone, but the hobbit has even ruined that. We work in a cubicle farm, so there isn't any phone privacy. So whenever the hobbit is talking to his wife, which is about 40 times a day, he goes in there. Unfortunately, they are one of those couples that cannot have a conversation for more than 30 seconds without getting into a fight. So now the whole office has to listen to him screaming at her over some bullshit. Not good times.

Now I am going to be a redneck, literally, for a couple of days. Good thing I have a semi-dark complexion anyhow. If I were one of those pasty white guys, life would not be too good right now.