Kickass toys, and how poor kids played back in the 70's

As part of my ongoing childhood memories tour, here is a list of toys from my youth. Some of these I owned, some of them I didn't. But just because we were poor, didn't mean we couldn't have fun. Here is a list of shit we used to do.

1. Caps - I never owned a cap gun. However, we could go down to TG&Y's and get a giant roll of caps for about a dime. Who needed a cap gun when you had a rock? We would sit and bash the pockets of gunpowder all day. Yeah, the sidewalk would be covered with scorch marks, but who cares? Cheap explosives rule!

2. Evil Knievil motorcycle - To a boy in the 70's, Evil Knievil was the baddest man on the planet. For you whippersnappers out there, it might be hard to believe that some dude jumping over shit on a motorcycle was prime time TV, but his stunts were a ratings bonanza. I never got to own this toy, but one of my friends did. We would jump over everything with it. We tried to jump his dog (eww, that sounds gross) but the damn mutt would never stay still (and that sounds even grosser). To this day, this is still the toy I'm bitter about never owning.

3. Stretch Armstrong - I got this for Christmas one year. We need to start a poll. How long did you own this toy before you cut it open to see what was inside? I think I made it about a month. As an added bonus, this toy made a great weapon. I knocked my brother into near unconsciousness by hitting him in the head with it.

4. Slime - What the hell was this stuff? According to wiki, it's made of guar gum. I still don't know what it is. All I know is that it was pretty cool for a little while. Then eventually you would forget to put the lid on tight, and it would dry out and be useless. Everyone I know pretended it was snot to gross out our moms.

5. Army Men - Another TG&Y classic. You could get a giant bag of these dudes for about a buck. The dude with the bazooka was badass. My brother would get pissed at me because I would always give him the pussy that was talking on the radio. We would set up these big elaborate battles, and then throw rocks at them to try and "kill" them by knocking them over. I never really liked the guy who was lying down with his gun. You couldn't knock him over. In the provided link, it looks like he's standing up. I think that is photography magic. One time a buddy of mine came back from Mexico with a bunch of bottle rockets, so we shot a bunch of them into space. The other thing we used to do is throw them in a fire, and pretend they were torched by a flamethrower.

6. Slip N Slide - Do they still make these? I never owned one proper, but never underestimate the ingenuity of a poor kid. One time we were wandering around the back of some industrial complex, and came across a roll of thick plastic. Being the little shitheads we were, we made off with the roll. Add garden hose, and presto, instant Slip N Slide. We would play pickle with it, where we would have spectacular slides to avoid the tags. One of the worst times I got in trouble as a young kid was because of this. We set it up at my buddy's house, and played for about 8 hours. The hose was running the whole time, turning his front yard into a marsh. Plus, with all the sliding and everything, we tore up most of the grass as well. When his folks got home, they lost their minds. They ended up having to tear out and redo the entire yard.

7. Star Trek gun - I didn't watch Star Trek, but I liked guns. This was another cheap TG&Y toy you could get for a couple of bucks. They shot these little plastic discs that kinda hurt when you got hit with them. However, you would lose the discs pretty quickly as you can imagine. We discovered they shoot pennies pretty well, and the ammo packed more of a wallop.

8. Big Wheel - Best. Gift. Ever. I finally got one for Christmas one year, which probably extended my belief in Santa for another good three years. Fuck I loved that thing. We would go around trying to see who could do the baddest skids. The problem is, I was growing so fast at that time that I couldn't fit in it anymore. Yeah, it had an adjustable seat, but that would only get you so far. However, I was a problem solver. Just grab onto the handle bars, put one foot in the seat, and treat it like a scooter. No wonder I have back problems now. Unfortunately, that method would usually result in cracking the middle of it, rendering it useless. That is, if the plastic tires weren't flat already. I'm pretty sure I cried when my mom finally got rid of its broken, faded shell.

9. Tennis Ball - Probably the most versatile toy on this list. You could find one of those lying around by the high school most of the time. I can't even begin to count the number of games that we could play with a tennis ball. See #6, the pickle was done with a tennis ball. Probably our favorite game to play was "Butt's Up". All you need is a tennis ball, a wall, and some kids. The linked version I've listed is actually pretty close to how we would play, except we would try to hit the runner instead of the wall. We'd play for hours. Heck, I'd still play that today if I could find any takers.

10. Water Rocket - This thing was pretty cool. You'd fill it full of water, and then pump it with air pressure to get it to launch. The trick was to see how much pressure you could get. Since we were kids, we weren't that strong, so we would all gang up to get that thing pumped up. Eventually, we broke the pump. Apparently, it's all educational as well. Whatever, we just wanted to see how high we could get that fucker to go. Surprisingly, we never actually shot it at each other. Even with our violent tendencies, we knew that would probably fuck someone up pretty bad.

Blasts from the Past (AKA midlife crisis post)

I still haven't gotten over the fact that my daughter is now a high school graduate. Combine this with the fact that I was thinking about old TV shows during the live blog, and receiving a "You know you were a child of [insert era here]" email, and I've been spending some time thinking about my youth. So in this post , I'm going to remember things as a kid growing up in the Phoenix area. I realize that this won't resonate with 99.999% of you out there. Good way to keep an audience.

1. Wallace and Ladmo. If you were a kid living in the Phoenix area before about 1990, you know and love this show. I've heard it was the longest running kids show in US history. To a kid, this show kicked ass. Ladmo was hilarious, they showed cartoons, and they gave away stuff. They had these skits in between cartoons which was when I would get ready for school. As I got older, I decided it wasn't very cool to watch a kiddie show like this. However, in high school, I rediscovered the show. The skits, which I always thought were lame, turned out to be the best part of the show. These weren't meant for the kids. They were adult humor that went right over the kids' heads. No wonder it lasted over 35 years. Now I understood why my mom would laugh at this show as well. When Ladmo died, the entire state mourned. And of course, to answer the question that ALWAYS gets asked when talking about the show: No, I never got a Ladmo bag.

2. Farrell's Ice Cream Parlour. Hands down, the best place ever for a birthday party. This place served ice cream, ice cream, and more ice cream. I can't remember if they served anything else. If they did, it wasn't ever ordered. The place had an old-timey feel. All of the employees looked straight out of a barbershop quartet. For parties, they had the Farrell's Zoo, which was a GIANT tub of ice cream, with little animals camped out all over it. When one was delivered, they would bang a big drum, and bells and sirens would wail as the waiters ran around the restaurant with the Zoo on a stretcher. Absolute chaos, and I loved it! After you would gorge yourself on ice cream, the only way out of the restaurant was through the best candy store I've ever seen. You name it, they carried it, along with a bunch of other stuff I never saw anywhere else. A dentist's nightmare, but a kid's dream.

3. Big Surf. Apparently, Big Surf is still around, although under different ownership. This place was pretty awesome as well. It had a wave pool that you could actually surf on. As far as I know, it is proprietary, and nobody has been able to replicate it. They would have concerts at night. I remember as little asshole kids, we would try and snatch the girls' bikini tops off as they went by on the rafts in the wave pool. Fun fact: Remember that movie Just One of the Guys? The "famous" prom scene at the beach were the chick reveals she's really a chick by showing her boobs was filmed at Big Surf. Plus, I knew some of the extras in that movie. And as an added bonus, there was a drive-in theatre across the street. In high school, this was a good capper to a summer day. Speaking of high school...

4. Valley Art Theatre. This was an old theatre in downtown Tempe, on Mill Avenue, before they cleaned up the area and turned it into a franchisee's wet dream. I personally prefer the old Mill Avenue. It had one screen, and a balcony. The theatre would show the indie type films, cult films, and midnight movies. I'm pretty sure nobody in there was ever sober. I know I wasn't. The first time I ever did shrooms, we went there and watched Alice in Wonderland. Plus, they had all you could eat popcorn. When you were high, this was a godsend. The place would get shut down from time to time for showing porn. I don't know if it is still there or not.

5. Happy Trails/Trails. This was a head shop on old Mill Avenue. It was originally called Happy Trails, but I think Roy Rogers filed a lawsuit, so they just changed their name to Trails. A cool place to burn away a few hours. The Mill Avenue cleanup got rid of this place.

6. Pete's Fish and Chips. Man, this place was a dive. We used to joke that the place was awesome as long as you didn't watch them prepare your food. Greasiest place I've ever been to, and that's saying something. The main draw was the price. You could get a Monster Burger (1/3 pound burger with the works, including Tabasco sauce), large fries, and a tub of soda for a couple of bucks. This place was always packed with broke college students and high school kids. Strangely enough, I don't know anyone who has ever had the fish there. We always ordered burgers. Another casualty of the Mill Avenue cleanup. Can you figure out where I used to hang out yet?

7. Elroy "Buzz" Towers. I think this dude started as a fake helicopter traffic reporter, but I'm including him on this list for his TV show. They used to show these awful B movies, and he was the host. Think of Elvira, without the wig and boobs. My brother and I would watch these terrible movies, and make fun of them. All of our friends loved our bits. Little did we know there would be a market for people doing that. We were seriously bummed out we realized it. Plus, it was on his showed that I discovered the cinematic masterpiece which was Basket Case, AKA The Most Underrated Movie of All Time. Seriously, a movie about a Siamese twin which was some kind of mutant, removed at birth but lives, and then goes on to rape his brother's girlfriend? Oops, I should have made a spoiler warning. How did this not win an Oscar?

8. Hand printed driver's licenses. Back in the day, in Arizona, when you went to get your driver's license, you would fill out the information on the application. And then they would use that information directly on your actual license! In your own handwriting! A direct copy! I love exclamation points! It took us all of about 3 seconds to realize what this meant. We could write our birth dates in such a way that we could alter it immediately when we got our license. 1967's became 1961's, 1968's became 1963's, and so on. Which made the drinking age go from 19 to 16 in a hurry.

9. The Cine Capri. Simply put, the baddest ass movie theatre I've ever been to. You can click the link for all the history and stuff, but my memory of it was going to see Star Wars there. My grandmother took us to see it. It was the first theatre I remember that had Dolby surround sound, and grandma thought it was way too loud. So she decided to stuff Kleenex in her ears. My brother and I didn't think too much of it, as Star Wars at the Cine Capri was like a cinematic orgasm to a kid. But as we were leaving, we realized she still had Kleenex hanging out of her ears. As mentioned before, we were little assholes, so we never told her. We just giggled about it all the way home.

10. Bill Johnson's Big Apple. One of the few places on this list still going strong. I remember thinking how cool it was that sawdust covered the floor. My mom told me they used it to soak up the spit in the old cowboy days. Big mistake, as I spent the rest of the time spitting on the floor every time we went. It's known for it's BBQ, and don't get me wrong, the BBQ is very good. But my memories are of the breakfasts. They were huge southern style breakfasts, and they were delicious. My lady friend and I were back in the Phoenix area not too long ago, and looking for a breakfast spot when we went past one. Of course I had to check it out. It was as good as I remembered. What I didn't remember was how cheap it was. We got more food than we could eat for under $20, after tip. We were so full, we didn't eat lunch, and even had a light dinner.