People that annoy bar bands

As my loyal readers know, I play in a band. This is my 3rd band I've been a part of, and we are beginning the process of playing in dive bars. I have no delusions of glory. I enjoy playing the dive bars. However, as with any job, there are occupational hazards. So next time you go out to your local club to see live music (and I know you will, because you are cool like that), don't be one of these guys.

1) People who yell "Freebird" - Aaahahahaha. That's hilarious. It's still as funny the 1000th time I've heard it as it is the first. It doesn't matter if I am playing punk, techno, hip-hop, someone will yell this before the night is done. I've used a new technique to head this off at the pass. I just say "Sure, here is our version of Freebird", and play whatever song is next on the set list. Note: If you are in a biker bar, this may be a serious request, not a hacky joke. Tread carefully. On a related note...

2) People who yell "More cowbell!" - Seriously, you guys are so funny. A real knee slapper, that one. I actually want to get a cowbell, and let the idiot who yells this play along. You know he will act like Will Ferrell and look like a total douche. If I ruin his chances of getting laid, then that's a good thing. I don't want people like that even having the tiniest of possibilities of reproducing.

3) People who spill drinks on our gear - Yes, I realize that the speaker looks like a table. Bonus points for those who bitch about wasting five bucks. I feel really bad that our $300 monitor, which is now smoking and arcing, just put you out $5. How inconsiderate of us. Next time we'll bring coasters.

4) People who want to come up and stage and sing with the band - I used to be OK with this, as long as it was a hot chick. Then I discovered that they are even more annoying than anyone else. Look, there is a reason we are up here, and you are down there. You suck. I'm not drunk as you are, so you will have to trust my judgement. I'm pretty sure the people came to see some decent music, not a drunk frat boy. Also, anyone who starts coming on the stage, I don't know what your agenda is. You may be a harmless drunk, you may be a psycho. While I am playing, that is my house, and I will treat you like an intruder.

5) People who want requests, but don't know the song - I love this one. Here's the scenario. Random drunk person comes up, asks us to play some song. I don't know the song, and I tell them as much. They are convinced I know the song. They sing the first line, hoping to jog my memory. I still don't know the song. I ask for more words. They repeat the first line, as it's the only words they know. Or better yet, they try and hum some of it. Most of these people couldn't even hum "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and make it recognizable. Look, you can ask me 100 times, but if I don't know the song, I don't know the fucking song.

6) People who treat the wait staff like dicks - We get invited back if people are spending money. Also, the managers usually aren't there late at night. Therefore, they get their feedback from the crew working. If you piss off the staff, they will be mad, and we may not get a favorable review. Why do you think every hack band on the planet asks you to tip well? Out of the goodness of our hearts?

7) People who get all chatty while we're trying to get our gear off the stage - This is a tricky situation. On the one hand, fans are what make or break a local band, so they have to be treated well. On the other hand, there is another band playing after us, and they are waiting for us to get our shit out of there so they can get going. You don't want to get the reputation as a difficult band to work with. Our band alleviates this by having me, as the singer, mingle with anyone who wants to talk while they get the gear off the stage. However, this is how singers get tagged with the DIVA label. Screw it, I was a drummer in my last band, I've done my share of carrying shit.

8) People who ask for free shit - There is a reason we are selling CD's, T-shirts, stickers, etc. This is how we make money. Bars don't pay crap. We sell more stuff at shows than at any other time. It's how we pay for that amp that just got a pint of beer spilled on it. Our buddy at the merch table gave that hot chick a free shirt because he's delusional and thinks it will get him laid. Besides, we're gonna take that out of his pocket. You are not a hot chick. Just because you are dressed like a slut, doesn't mean you are hot. It's not going to work.

I'm sure there are a million other things, but these are ones I have encountered multiple times. I could make a separate list about club owners and their clubs, but only 0.1% of the population would get it.