Arbitrary requirements for Golden Umbrella Award

In my (what seems like) never ending quest to find Golden Umbrella winners, I'm running into a brick wall. I'm starting to think I'm being too stringent on my completely arbitrary requirements. At this point, these are...

1. The site doesn't suck. This eliminates 99.9999% of the sites I have seen. This is non-negotiable.

2. The site should be funny. This is not really a requirement, but a VERY strong preference. I've yet to find a site that wasn't funny, yet interesting enough to be a viable candidate.

3. The site is written by an adult. This one I don't want to bend on. The youth of America are corrupt enough without me adding to the mix. Or even worse, an angry parent takes action because I was blogging about lesbian butt sex, and their kid was reading it. Keep in mind, I never said write LIKE an adult.

4. The site has semi-frequent updates. Hopefully once a week. Maybe less frequently if the content's exceptional.

5. The site has been around for a little while. I don't want to give props to a site, and then have it stop two weeks later. There are a few sites I have an eye on, but they've only been around a short time.

This last requirement has me perplexed. What exactly is a little while? If someone is just starting out, and they're good, would winning the most prestigious award on the internet propel the writer to continue on to greatness? Or did they blow their wad, and have nothing funny left to write, cheapening the award down the road?

I have other steps which will probably eliminate your site, even if it meets all the requirements above. As soon as I notice these, I immediately move on. I'll number these in Roman numerals as to not get them confused with the requirements. Plus, it makes me look smarter.

I) Music playing. At best, it will annoy me. At worst, it will suck so bad I will make nasty comments about your site.

II) Connected to Digg. I understand you want people to give you props. However, this always freezes up my shitty computer, and pisses me off very much. At this point, I'm leaving as soon as it is unfrozen.

III) Dark font on dark background. C'mon, I'm getting old. I don't need to work to read your writing.

IV) Too snooty to accept the award. First of all, this is the greatest award a blogger can receive. Who the fuck do you think you are, George C. Scott? You're not.

OK, now get out there and create something awesome. I know it's in you.