Porn stashes: Why they're GOOD things for women

So you've probably noticed my infrequent updates. I am travelling quite often for work these days, and I just don't have a lot of computer time. And what little free time I have, I prefer to search for porn instead of good blogs. Hey, life gets lonely on the road.

Which leads me into today's topic. Why do most women get so upset when they discover their man's porn stash? Though the technology changes, throughout my entire life, I've had a porn stash of some sort or another.

It starts as a kid. When I was young, I will never forget the discovery of porn. It happened to me twice, and both times I was taking out the trash. We had a community garbage dumpster, and I am assuming some poor schmuck's wife/girlfriend/mom found his porn stash, and he was forced to dispose of it. For a kid, that was like finding the golden ticket. You were suddenly the most popular kid in the neighborhood.

Unfortunately, as a kid, you don't have a lot of creativity when it comes to hiding places. Eventually, that genius hiding spot under the mattress gets discovered when mom changes the sheets. There is nothing worse than coming home, only to realize the magazines are gone. Of course, you can't go "Uh, mom? Did you accidentally move something when you were changing the sheets? Huh, oh, no reason." Asking your mom for your porn back is like asking her the size of her vagina on the awkwardness scale.

Eventually, the time comes when you can acquire porn legally. That's when the stash starts in earnest. Hopefully by this point, you have your own place, and can stash it more safely. This era, usually in your early 20's, is the golden age of porn. However, pretty soon you will get a steady girlfriend, and she will spend more and more time at your place. And then there will come the day when the stash is discovered, and you have to try and convince her that you're not some sort of pervert.

Now, we have the interwebs, and this ups the ante considerably. There are options out there I could never have dreamed up. OK, I have dreamed them, but I never had access to it. Until now. It's incredible. But this in itself poses new problems. Daniel Tosh has a great bit about this. Sadly, this scenario has come true with me. My kids and my lady friend sometimes use my laptop, so I have to be careful about deleting any incriminating evidence. Yes, even the new virtual stash can get discovered.

My question is, why is porn considered bad? I've heard the arguments. It's demeaning to women. Bullshit. If you think it's demeaning, don't do it. It's that simple. Another argument I've heard is that it will create a society of perverts and sexual deviants. Yeah, these are the same idiots that think Marilyn Manson was the reason Columbine happened. If anyone has a good reason, I will listen. I just haven't heard one yet.

However, I never hear the arguments why porn is good. Until now. Ladies, I am now going to clue you in on why you should look the other way when your man is checking out porn.

1. Porn prevents infidelity. Yep, you heard it here first. Not only does it not make him a pervert, it will keep him faithful. Whether you want to admit it or not, guys like variety. There is a reason sex sells. However, contrary to popular belief, most guys are pretty loyal to their women. So how does a guy get some strange, yet still be faithful? You got it, porn. We can let our imaginations go wild, and have sex with someone new without really having sex. And on a related note...

2. Porn prevents you from doing things you are uncomfortable with. Let's set up a hypothetical situation. Let's say your guy really wants to do anal with you. However, for whatever your reasons are, having something stuck up your ass isn't really your idea of romance. Fine, it's your body, and I'm not going to tell you what you should do with it. So now we're at a impasse. Checking out some porn, while not the ideal situation, is the next best thing. You can use any fetish you want for this example.

3. Porn prevents cancer. What? I know what you're thinking; That's a reach Umbrella. No it's not. It's been shown that masturbation helps prevent prostate cancer. Here's some proof even. My guess is that this study was done by men.

4. Porn makes better lovers. I realize this headline is misleading. I'm not saying that guys should slap women's asses while fucking them. I'm saying that porn can help a guy that suffers from coming too quick. Remember the scene in Something About Mary involving "cleaning the pipes"? That's what I'm referring to.

5. Porn minimizes STD's and unwanted pregnancies. I'm on the road, and I'm horny. I can get a hooker, find a bar floozy, or cuddle up with my porn. Which one do you think is the safest?

Now I'm not arguing that if you're in the mood for some loving, and your guy would rather be online, that's a good thing. Obviously, that's a problem, and that's waaaay above my expertise as an online shrink. But I am saying that if you should be on your guy's laptop, and you see something in his history where he was checking out gianttitsonbucktoothedwomen.com, don't freak the fuck out. Especially if you're a flat chested women with a perfect smile. Sometimes guys like a little strange.