Fuck You, I'm Irish

OK, I'm not really Irish. But my "Fuck You" to St. Patty's day still stands.

I have quite a few problems with St. Patrick's Day. Yeah, there's at least one redeeming quality: an excuse for heavy drinking on a weeknight. But the negatives outweigh the positives.

First, this whole "You have to wear green" bullshit. Green is a shitty color for clothes. That's why I don't own anything green. Yet all day today, people are giving me shit for not wearing green. What is this, first grade? These are the same people that wear costumes to work on Halloween. I wonder, can I bust the next asshole who pinches me because I'm not wearing green for sexual harassment? And for those of you who either forgot to wear green, or don't really care enough to go out of your way to wear green, don't puss out by trying to find one small speck of green in your underwear's elastic band. If somebody is giving you crap for not wearing green, tell them you have some on your back pocket. When they're down there looking for it, fart in their face.

Second, I love how all of a sudden, everyone becomes Irish. Look, if your grandparents were born here, you're American. This is not open for debate. Just because my ancestors came over here on a boat from Scotland in the 1600's, and my last name begins with Mc, doesn't mean I'm Scottish. Seriously, these peeholes walking around with gay ass Lucky Charms hats, and "Kiss me, I'm Irish" pins, who couldn't name ONE FUCKING CITY in Ireland (I know this is true, I'm the type of dick who asks questions like that) can kiss my ass.

I wasn't always this jaded towards St. Patrick. Back in my younger days, I decided to celebrate this holiday like any good American, by drinking green beer. However, I was underage, so I had to make my own. I "acquired" some beer, bought some green food coloring, and I was well on my way. However, I was also a moron. I poured all the beer into a big pitcher, and added a few drops of coloring. No change. A few more drops. No change. What the hell? I said "Fuck it all" and dumped the whole bottle of coloring in the beer.

The beer changed from its normal brown to black. Oh shit, I think I overreacted. It looked like soy sauce. It still tasted like beer, so we dove in. Our lips, tongues, and lower mustaches (for those who had them) were a very dark shade of green. Then, to complete the night's festivities, one of the guys at our party decided to OD. Here we are, drunk, under aged, and literally green, and this asshole is convulsing unconsciously on the floor. We were afraid to call 911 because we knew we would be busted, so we decided to drink and drive his ass to the hospital instead. Like I said, I was a moron.

His girlfriend stayed there with him at the hospital while the rest of us bailed before we got in trouble. Not a good night at all. And to top it all off, I shit bright green for two days. That is a bit disconcerting.