Augie for MVP (and opening day live blog)

Today begins Augie Ojeda's quest for MVP. Yes, the fellow on my avatar will rise up and shock the world this year. I thought it would be fun to track his progress as the season goes along. Unfortunately, when I talk about Augie, the most common response is, "Who?" This is un-fucking-acceptable. I will use my blogging powers to educate the world of his greatness. This will be awesome! And as an added bonus, I will be live blogging opening day for you. I tune in to opening day on the radio when I hear...

"Batting first, at 2nd base, Felipe Lopez."

Wait a minute, where's Augie? WTF? This is bullshit! I'm now pissed off, and we haven't even thrown a single pitch in the season. How can I blog the awesomeness of Augie if he isn't even playing? Lopez better fucking bring it.

Bottom of 1st: Lopez leads off the game with a home run. Bah, it was a bad pitch. Augie would have hit it further.

Top of 2nd: I didn't think it was possible, but I hate Bud Selig more than ever. I have to work from my desk for the rest of the afternoon, so I can't listen to the radio in the lab today. However, I can listen online. I find the station, and it tells me that due to MLB rules, they can't do streaming of the D-Back games. So I check out MLB.com, and they want to charge me to listen to the game. Fuck you Bud! Gametracker is now on.

Bottom of 2nd: Check out this article. Hopefully MLB won't charge you to read it. Looks like I'm not the only one unhappy with the starting lineup. Still don't know why they didn't mention Augie. Also, Chris Snyder just doubled home Connor Jackson to make it a 2-0 game. He crushed that ball. Actually, I don't think crushed balls and Chris Snyder should be mentioned together. And Lopez leaves Snyder stuck on second to end the inning. Choker.

End of 2nd: D-Backs lead the Rockies 2-0. Why aren't the Rockies considered our big rival? It makes sense. Both of us are young teams. We're in the same division. And all the California teams all hate each other more than either of us. Seriously, this could be a big rivalry. I could learn to hate Denver. They've had two of the biggest whiny bitch QB's in Elway and Cutler.

Top of 3rd: Lopez's choke is apparently affecting Brandon Webb. Runners and 2nd and 3rd, one out. Groundout to 2nd, runner scores. Augie would have used his big guns to get the out at home. This second choke job of the game has Webb really rattled, as he's walked the bases loaded with Hawpe coming up. And Hawpe just cleared the bases with a double. It says he advanced to third on the throw. I bet Lopez missed the cutoff. Webb gets the third out, but the damage is done. Rockies lead 4-2.

Bottom of 3rd: My boss' cubicle is right next to mine. He is talking to his wife on the phone. Whenever he talks to her, he uses baby talk. It's disgusting. He uses this sing-song voice, makes his R's sound like W's, and his S's sound like SH's. So when he says "I'm really sorry", it sounds like "I'm weally shorry" in a stupid voice. I have to listen to this crap, but I can't listen to the radio. Sigh. D-backs making some noise, runners on 1st and 2nd, nobody out, Chad Tracy up. I like Chad. He was really cool when I met him in AAA ball here in Tucson. I can't wait to go to another game. Oh wait, we don't have a fucking team anymore. And Big Red comes through with a single, scoring our Chris Young. 4-3, runners on 1st and 3rd, and Eric Byrnes coming up. This is the perfect spot for him to hit a pop up to third. I'm wrong, as he hits a fly ball to center, scoring Drew. Tie game. No pitching today. Tony Clark hits a two run bomb, making it 6-4, and making my lady friend very happy. Clark is her favorite player. And that was the last straw, as the Rockies make a pitching change. Sorry Rockies, we just shelled your ace. Rusch comes in as relief and ends the inning.

Top of 4th: For fuck's sake, what is going on? Tulowitzki leads off with a homer. Did they shorten the fences? And then Iannetta follows with another shot. Tie game. Webb is sucking today. I think they need to pinch hit Augie for him. Webb finally settles down and retires the side.

Bottom of 4th: Lopez leads off with his 2nd homer of the game. He must have realized Augie is lurking right behind him on the depth chart. The rest of the side goes down in order. 7-6 D-Backs.

Top of 5th: Oh God, Slaten relieved Webb. I hope my lady friend isn't watching. Every time he pitches while she is watching, he gets shelled. It's gotten so bad that as soon as he comes in the game, she leaves the room. I think my superstitions are rubbing off on her. Maybe she doesn't realize it's a day game. Hawpe has been nails today as he drills a two out double. He's 3-3 with 3 RBI's. Nice start to the season. Crap, she must be watching. A two out rally scores a run, tying the game. And that's it for Slater. Nice to see he's picked up where he left off last season. Billy Buckner comes in, and I'm realizing we are in huge trouble if our starters don't pitch complete games. This bullpen is bad. And right on cue, Buckner throws two wild pitches to advance the runner to third. Right as this is going on, my phone rings. It's my lady friend. Her words? "Why do they keep bringing Slaten into close games?" I knew she was watching. Buckner manages to keep the runner on third by striking out Tulowitzki. 7-7 game.

Bottom of 5th: Byrnes strikes out swinging for the second time. He's in mid-season form. Clark hits his 2nd bomb of the game. When it comes to my lady friend, he is the anti-Slaten. Congrats Tony, you've just chased the second pitcher of the game. The rest of the inning is uneventful.

Top of 6th: I think I've figured it out. They should bring Augie in to pitch. He can't do any worse than anyone else right now. Unfortunately, Buckner is back out there. He promptly confirms my fears by walking the first batter. BREAKING NEWS: CBS is claiming that Memphis announces Josh Pastner as their new basketball coach. The reaction from Umbrella? BWAHAHAHA. OK, back to the game. My gametracker has been stuck on a 1-1 count for several minutes now. This is not good. It just unfroze in time to see that the inning is over. Way to go Billy.

Bottom of 6th: I just looked up to see when Billy Buckner was born. It was before the Red Sox-Mets World Series. Damn, I can't blame his parents for the name. Do you think that is why he goes by Billy, instead of Bill? I personally would stick with William. Ryan Roberts (who?) pinch hitting for Buckner. Where the fuck is Augie in this situation? It's only a one run game, let's get the future MVP in there. I had to look Ryan Roberts up. This is his second career at bat. However, he makes the most of it with a leadoff single. Augie would have stretched that into a double. Lopez is up to bat, and he caused my gametracker to freeze again. I'll bet he started a brawl. And now, we've reverted back to the top of the 6th, where it was frozen before. This sucks. Gametracker is fucking up now. I think Lopez is on first, with Roberts on 2nd, but I'm not sure. Young lines out to third, and Roberts gets doubled off of 2nd. THAT'S why you don't throw guys with one career at bat into close games. Augie would still be on 2nd base. Embree comes in as the new reliever, and gametracker shows him wearing an A's cap. I blame Bud Selig for this. Lopez gets thrown out at 2nd to end the inning. First inning the D-Backs haven't scored this game. This inning also showed how important Augie is to this team. Bob Melvin better figure this out quick.

Top of 7th: Gametracker is showing an ad for MLB.TV during the break. I am continuing to get pissed off over this. Some dude named Schoeneweis is now pitching for the D-Backs. I've never heard of him. Gametracker doesn't even have a picture for him. Before I can look him up, he promptly gives up a lead off home run. This is followed by a single. According to the wiki, he's been around a bit. Why doesn't gametracker have a photo for him? Also, he has only given up one career home run to a lefty. In one at bat with the D-Backs, he's doubled that. Perfect. He was also named in the Mitchell report. Looks like I have another reliever to hate. He gets a couple of outs, and is relieved by Tony Pena. Which Pena are we going to get today, Nasty Tony, or Meatball Tony? Pena gets a K to end the inning.

Bottom of 7th: For the 7th inning stretch, I decided to take a shit and missed the bottom of the 7th. It looks like Chad Tracy hit a home run, and nothing else happened. 9-8 D-Backs.

Top of 8th: Tracy's home run was the fifth D-Backs homer in the game. I looked up what the team record is, and that one tied the record. I can't find what the combined team record for the D-Backs is, but we're currently sitting at 8. Pena retires the first two batters. Hoping I don't jinx him, it looks like we've got Nasty Tony today. He strikes out Barnes to end the inning.

Bottom of 8th: I'm really hoping for some insurance runs here. I haven't seen any spring training games, so I'm not sure who the closer is, but I'm assuming it's Qualls. I don't have a ton of confidence in a one run game. Pitcher's spot is due up 2nd this inning, so here's hoping for an Augie at bat. Snyder flies out, and coming up to bat is...AUGIE!!! Hell yeah! And what do you know, he doubles to left. MVP! MVP! As long as Lopez doesn't choke, and puts the ball in play, Augie will probably score that much needed insurance run. Lopez grounded out, but Augie still hustled his way to third. This guy can do it all. Unfortunately, Young strikes out to end the inning. Augie's teammates let him down again. Let's hope they do the double switch and leave him in the game at 2nd.

Top of 9th: Gametracker still showing MLB.TV ads. Just rub our noses in it. This is like giving out Ding Dongs at a weight watchers meeting. Top of the order coming up for the Rockies, and it is indeed Qualls as the closer. And hey, Augie stays in at third base. He's so versatile, he can play any position, including pitcher and catcher. Qualls retires the first batter. The second batter grounds out, and it is up to Helton. He grounds out to end the game. D-Backs win a 9-8 slugfest.

Season stats for Augie: AVG 1.000, SLG 2.000, OBP 1.000, OPS 3.000. Hall of fame numbers.