A blog that actually made me think

A commenter who has some insight on our last Golden Umbrella winner has told me that he probably won't accept the award. If that is the case, this will be a first. Honestly, I'm surprised how good of sports everyone up to this point has been so far. This whole thing started as a way to give some recognition to blogs out there that I think have been more entertaining than 99.9999% of the blogs out there.

And Midtown Miscreant didn't fit the profile of any of the other winners. Most of the winners were silly blogs, and very humor oriented. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, I like humor. His, while it had some gallows humor in it, was of a more serious tone. But it struck a nerve with me. And the reason it did was because I realized while reading it (and I damn near read every post), under slightly different circumstances, this could have been written by me.

I've made a couple of references to my "wild past", but never in any detail, and always in passing. I was not a good kid, and I certainly didn't grow up in any idyllic TV sitcom type situation. I was shuttled around between family members (a clue to why my grandmother was so important to me). I've had immediate family members in jail. I've been surrounded by addiction and violence since I was a baby.

I was also a really bright kid, which got me into even more trouble. I found that I had an ability to get others to do things that I wanted to do, even if it wasn't in their best interests. A lot of times, these things were not legal. When I was about 14 or 15, I had a scam going which was ripping off some small time businesses. I was pulling in about $1K a week, which is pretty good money to a kid. One night, one of the guys doing the grunt work for me got caught. I was scared shitless. The gig was up, and I knew it was a matter of time until the cops showed up for me. However, he was very loyal to me, and kept his mouth shut. He got sent to juvie for his efforts. Nothing happened to me. And when I was reading the second half of this post, it really hit home, except I was the one on the other side of the story. The guy who got caught has been in and out of trouble his whole life, and I'm the one doing well.

Most of the money I was making back then was going towards drugs. We all know that drugs are a one way street towards trouble. Even while I was involved, I knew that, but I didn't know how to get out of there. Rehab was for the wealthy. I was stuck.

And then, I came to a crossroads. When I was 17, I got myself involved in a situation that I realized was WAAAY over my head. I knew that was the point in which there was no turning back. And for whatever reason, I had a moment of clarity and realized I didn't want to live this way. So I joined the military, and got as far away from the situation as I could. To this day, I believe this was the smartest thing I've ever done. I never went back.

Every once in a while, I come across a name from my old crowd. It's never good news. They've been arrested, or they have died. I've attended three funerals in the last three years of guys who I used to hang with. I go to them, but not to show respect. These guys were not good people, and even though they were my friends, I don't really respect them. I go to constantly remind myself of what my alternatives could have been.

I used to think that the reason I never got caught was because I was smarter than the average thug. It's probably debatable whether or not I was smarter, but it isn't the reason I never got caught. The reason I never got caught is because I was lucky. I don't care how good you are, you will get caught eventually. And I wasn't anywhere near as good as I thought I was.

MM had another post that also made my think. I'd link to it, but I can't seem to find it now. He was talking about how with the current economic situation, how easy it would be to go back to some old habits. His argument is that once you cross that line, it is really easy to cross it again. This is one that he and I differ on. I understand where he is coming from. The first time you do something, whether it is shoplifting, or getting high, or whatever, there is some nervousness. However, it gets easier and easier, and the stakes gradually get higher and higher. I knew what I was doing was wrong, I just didn't care. That being said, I don't think I will ever cross that line again. And the biggest reason is my kids. I don't think he has any, so that is where we differ. I don't want my daughters to ever go through those things. And I want to show them a good role model. My dad was a violent addict who has been in and out of trouble forever. I don't want to be that guy.

All of these old memories came back while reading his blog. Most of the people I hang with these days have no idea about my past, which is fine by me. I don't advertise it. But while I'm not necessarily proud of my past, as weird as it may sound, I don't regret it either. Everything that happened has made me into the person that I am today. And while I'm pretty rough around the edges, I think I turned out OK. I'm a good dad, and I feel like my kids are going to turn out better than I am. That's all I can ask for.

I guess the whole point of this long winded ramble is this. MM, if you even read this, and you want the award, great. If you don't want it, no sweat off of my back. But I just wanted to let you know that there is one guy out there in this wide wide world of webs who was really moved by your blog. And I just wanted to let you know that. We all like to be recognized for our efforts, and this award, while it may be silly, is my way of saying "Well Done".