BEAT LA! BEAT LA! (another D-Backs live blog)

Coming to you live from my living room, and missing the top of the first inning. We pick up action with Lopez leading off bottom of the 1st.

Bottom of 1st: Um, didn't I just say that? Still no start for Augie. I think he might be the only guy on the roster without a start this season. James McDonald pitching for LA. And a strikeout to start the game. Fucking Lopez. Byrnes bats 2nd. Yes, the 4th different lineup in 4 games. Melvin's a genius. Weak groundout for the 2nd out. Drew, one of the only guys hitting well right now, grounds out. BTW, this is McDonald's first career start. If we can't hit him, it's going to be a long season.

Top of 2nd: Garland, the D-Back's newest acquisition, is pitching tonight. He got through the first inning walking Manny, and then a botched pickoff, but that was it. Back in real time, Drew makes a fantastic diving stop, but Tracy can't pick the bounced throw. Kemp hits a ground ball to Lopez, but they can only get the out at 2nd. Again, where's Augie? He would have turned two. Kemp steals second, and Lopez can't make the tag in time, although it looked like they got him to me. And the replay shows the ump blew this call. Even they hate Lopez. On a side note, Matt Williams is doing the color for this game. This guy has as much personality as a soap dish. I think it's time to start drinking. Garland walks Blake to give runners on 1st and 2nd with one out. Ausmas finds a hole between Lopez and Tracy, and Kemp scores. 1-0 Dodgers, and the fans start to boo already. However, this whiskey sour I made is freaking AWESOME. See, I can be positive. Now the pitcher is up, trying to bunt, and Garland can't throw a fucking strike. It's only the fourth game, and this team is killing me already. However, with a 3-1 count, the pitcher swings (?) and hits into a double play. I'm chanting "ROOKIE" while my daughter looks at me like I'm an idiot.

Bottom of 2nd: The announcers are just as confused as I am on that last play. They are showing Joe Torre, and for some reason I am immensely amused by the fact that his bald spot is peeking out below his cap. Connor flies out to start the inning. Tracy grounds out, and now Reynolds is up. His nickname is The Sheriff. After last season, I call him Special K. Guess what he did? 6 up, 6 down, to a guy making his first career start. Fuck me.

Top of 3rd: I love ESPN's streak for the cash. I have my best streak ever going right now at 8. I picked the Suns to beat Memphis. I can't believe this is going to end my streak. Phoenix sports is absolute shit right now. The Cardinals are the best team. Unbelievable. I missed the first out during this. FSN is smart, and is talking about Pat Tillman right now. Even they know this game sucks. Orlando Hudson, a guy who should have been replaced by Augie, draws a walk. Is it time for Manny to get us? No, he hits a grounder to Reynolds. However, he bobbles it and can only get the out at first. Not an error, but another miscue for Reynolds. Let's see, he set a record for strikeouts, led the league in errors. Yep, that's our guy. For those that don't know, he came straight from AA to the majors. He started out pretty well, but makes way too many mistakes. That's what happens when you skip AAA. Ethier grounds out to end the inning. Good, that guy always kills us. He's a Sun Devil, of course he's clutch. 1-0 Dodgers.

Bottom of 3rd: It's a final, Grizzlies 106, Suns 89. Way to compete. Sad thing is, I was second guessing this pick, thinking the Suns might not have much intensity after being eliminated from the playoffs. But then I remembered the Grizzlies are horrible. Way to be professional, Suns. I blame Steve Kerr. Chris Young just blasted one over the left field wall to tie it up. Atta boy Chris, THAT'S how you welcome someone to the big leagues. Snyder flies out. I think Manny Ramirez should just go all out and have a dread beard as well. Wow, they just showed some chick in the crowd practically dry humping the guy next to her. Yeah, she was holding a beer. Dude thinks he's getting lucky tonight, but it's only the third inning. She doesn't know how to pace herself. I hope he likes puke. Garland just walked. OK Lopez, get a hit here, and I will not give you any crap for the rest of the game. Matt Williams just gave us some awesome insight by saying "I'd bet the farm a changeup is coming here." Fastball. The worst part about Matt Williams is that I have a man-crush on Mark Grace, so this is adding insult to injury listening to him instead. Lopez walks. Not a hit, so let the crap continue. Byrnes gets hit with the first pitch he sees, and now the bases are loaded with Drew coming up. They just showed a stat saying Drew hits .182 with the bases loaded in his career. Yikes. McDonald definitely showing some nerves here as the count goes to 3-1. Drew fouls off the next pitch, and the first BEAT LA chant starts. Ball four, walked in a run. Four straight batters reach without a hit. McDonald throws a 55 foot curveball, which prompts a visit to the mound. He's definitely rattled. Jackson needs to make him pay. Action in the bullpen as the count goes to 3-1. Jackson pokes a shot into right which scores two runs. 4-1 D-Backs. That's it for McDonald. And a perfect time for me to piss. Trancoso in relief. Tracy hits a deep fly ball out to center to score Drew from 3rd. Reynolds up, and I'm predicting his 2nd K to end the inning. Jackson steals 2nd, which will make the impending strikeout a little more painful. I was wrong about the strikeout, weak dribbler to the pitcher instead. Good inning though. 5-1 D-Backs.

Top of 4th: FSN is showing commercials for Digger merchandise, that fucking rodent that they use as a mascot for NASCAR. Seriously? Do people really buy that shit? I know a few people that watch NASCAR, and they all think he's annoying as fuck. Is there even such a thing as a casual NASCAR fan? Some questions may never be answered. Loney grounds out. OK, time for a rant. They have the AFLAC trivia question, and then the announcers answer it before the viewers can guess. This drives my batty. Give me a fucking chance, OK? Rant over. Kemp hits it pretty hard, but right at Chris Young. Blake flies out to Byrnes, who manages to stay on his feet for the catch.

Bottom of 4th: I picked out a great femullet in the last crowd shot. It's a gift of mine. Rain Man can count shit, I can find mullets in a crowd. Someday I'll figure out how to profit off of that. Chris Young leads off with a double. Looks like he's breaking out of his slump. Snyder pops up, and now it's time to see what they do with Garland. I'm not sure how many at bats he got in the AL. He's swinging. I think this is the right decision, even though it probably won't be pretty. Matt Williams is killing me. He's claiming since Garland is tall, he's probably played some basketball, so he has agility. Uh, Matt? Gheorghe Muresan was tall. You're an idiot. Garland grounds out advancing the runner to third. Lopez gets a hit to drive Young home. Byrnes drives one off of the pitchers mound, causing a weird bounce away from the second baseman. Lopez advances to third. I may have to start pushing for Augie to play third if Lopez keeps playing well. Drew grounds out to end the inning. 6-1 D-Backs.

Top of 5th: Hey look, it's Gretzky. I forgot to mention the Coyotes when talking about how much Phoenix sports suck. Ausmas grounds out, and then Trancoso strikes out. Furcal hits a weak grounder by the pitcher to first, and Tracy throws it about 7 feet in the air. Good thing Garland is 6'6" tall. He snares it with a nice reach. What agility. Or is it height?

Bottom of 5th: I had some Vietnamese vodka with dinner tonight. Not bad. However, the combination of the vodka and whiskey has given me a nice buzz. My focus will not be as good, so deal with it. Jackson grounds out. Shot of the folks at the pool. No, that's not a euphemism. Why is it that whenever anyone is at the pool, they have to act like total douchebags? Tracy flies out. Special K comes up and gets a single up the middle. Hmm, he hasn't struck out since I gave him a derisive nickname. Coincedence? Chris Young is up, let's see if he can keep his good night going. He scorches one down the line, but the third baseman makes a great stop. Not so great was the throw, which went into the dugout. Score it a hit and an error. Runners on second and third. Make that bases loaded as Snyder draws an intentional walk. OK, here comes Mr. Agility. You know, I have to admit, his swing is pretty nice. He doesn't swing like a pitcher. However, he hits like one, as he strikes out on a couple of nasty curveballs. 6-1 D-Backs.

Top of 6th: I think Stuart Appleby should beat Ryuji Imada in the Masters tomorrow, don't you? Time to start a new streak. Hudson grounds out. Not his best return so far. Manny hits one past a diving Drew. Ethier hits into a double play to end the inning.

Bottom of 6th: Lopez grounds out. The crowd is doing the stupid dance I hate. I don't know if it has a name or not, but it looks like they are jerking off a couple of horses. Sexy. Byrnes and Drew fly out to end the inning. Still 6-1. Time for more whiskey.

Top of 7th: Loney flies out as I enjoy my next whiskey sour. I hate places that use Minute Maid to make whiskey sours. Does that make me a snob that I have to ask if that's what they're going to do when I order one? Kemp laces a double to left. Mr. Agility has been pitching well today, hopefully this isn't a sign that he's tiring. Question answered as Blake blasts one over the left field wall. And now, the bullpen is active. Byrnes tracks down a deep shot by Ausmus. That almost sounds dirty. I think for the bottom of the 7th, I am only going to speak in sentences that sound dirty. A little exercise to increase my writing creativity. Hopefully it's a quick inning. Pinch hitter with a Polish name that I'm not even going to try and spell in my current state. Mr. Agility gets the pinch hitter to fly out to end the inning. 6-3 D-Backs.

Bottom of 7th (the innuendo inning): Mota coming for Trancoso. Connor takes a couple of balls before grounding out. Tracy sends a screamer to Ethier. Blake gobbles up Special K's ball to end the inning.

Top of 8th: That was difficult. I'd like to say because I have problems resorting to toilet humor, but that's just not the case. Pena comes in for Mr. Agility. Nice debut for the D-Backs against a tough lineup. Hey look, Augie's at third! MVP! MVP! Is Bob Melvin reading my blog too? He's being pretty discreet about it. Furcal leads off with a double. We might have Meatball Tony today. Hudson hits a high chopper that Drew makes a nice play on. Furcal to third. C'mon Augie, distract him and then get the pickoff. You can do it! Manny hits one up the middle to make it a 6-4 game, and now Ethier is up. The D-Back killer at the plate as the tying run. Fuck. That's it for Pena, definitely Meatball Tony today. Oh goodie, Schoenweis is in. He gets Ethier to ground to first, Manny advancing to second. Loney to the plate. If Schoenweis gives up the hit here, he is officially the Jewish Mike Myers. Myers was our last lefty specialist, and the only thing he specialized in was giving up hits to lefties. It got so bad he would get booed when he was warming up. Loney works a full count. Maybe Manny will space out and leave on the pitch. Nope, a hard ground out to second. I'll have to come up with a new nickname for Schoenweis.

Bottom of 8th: Another reason Augie should be starting in front of Lopez is that Augie doesn't have a ridiculous chinstrap. I hate those things. Chris Young up, and needs a triple for the cycle. I'm not holding my breath. Mota walks him. Snyder is bunting. Makes sense, I assume with the double switch that Augie is on deck. Get that runner in scoring position. Snyder gets the bunt down successfully, and it's AUGIE TIME!! And of course, he drills it to right, scoring Young. MVP! MVP! Why isn't he starting? Unfortunately, that single knocks his slugging percentage to 1.500. But like the team player he is, he doesn't worry about stats, he just needed to get that extra run home. And the crowd is changing BEAT LA again. Augie's drawing throws to first. Smart move by Mota. Can't forget about Augie. He can beat you in so many ways. Lopez sees that his starting job is in jeopardy and hits a deep double. Augie flies around the bases, scoring another run. Lopez spent too much time admiring his shot, and should have ended up on third. And this time I'm not being snide, he really thought it was gone and was jogging. Byrnes draws a walk, and I can't believe Mota is still in there. I spoke too soon, here comes Torre. Ohman comes in to pitch, and almost picks Lopez off of second. Drew pops up for the second out. Jackson is now up. I like Connor, even though he looks a little retarded. Not as bad as Tyler Hansborough, but still. Jackson comes through with an RBI single. Tracy grounds out to end the inning. 9-4 D-Backs.

Top of 9th: Qualls, the closer, comes in. He spent a LONG time warming up in the bullpen last inning. Hopefully it doesn't affect him. He strikes out Kemp to start the inning. Blake takes a called third strike for the second out as the BEAT LA chants are getting louder. Ausmas fights off a pitch and gets a seeing eye single to right. Loretta coming in to pinch hit. He grounds out to Drew to end the game.

Season stats for Augie: AVG 1.000, SLG 1.500, OBP 1.000, OPS 2.500, 1 RBI, 1 R. More importantly, the record when Augie plays is 2-0. When he doesn't, 0-2. I think that should tell you something.